Resolved

I just can’t believe to finally get the positive response, I longed for, from her. In fact, when she got mad with me four months ago, I had lost the drive to maintain this blog. Her loud and clear message appeared to seal the remaining hole in my illusion. In that post, I even hinted to end my blog just as I put an end to my fantasies and face the realities.

It was unexpected, sort of surprise similar to my reaction when I opened up this blog after some months and realized that my Alexa rank slid to almost 5,000 from unprecedented phenomenal growth reaching to 346,546, the highest rank attained by any of my blogs. Alexa checks traffic on website. It reveals how well your website or blog fare against others in the traffic competition. Ratings start from 1 to 20,000,000 and even beyond. The lower the number, the better your Alexa rating is.

Yes. While she maintained her stand to confine our relationship within the boundary of friendship insisting on a clean and wholesome relationship, she granted my request to freely express what is inside me without fear and reservation. Sort of affirmation in resolving the ambivalence.

It is in this context that I started to revive this blog with a resolve to recapture the unprecedented wave it had experienced before. This blog is a tribute to a woman for successfully touching a soft spot in my being whose impact until now I cannot fully explain. Of all the women I met in my life, yea I have related with, there is only one worth comparing i.e. my beloved wife. I am not saying that the other women I have loved were less significant. I have valued them and treasured our relationship. But the extent of inspiration and challenge, as well as the gentle, albeit imposing or should I say domineering approach of the aforementioned duo makes the distinction. Coupled with their trustworthiness and simplicity of lifestyle that seems to take offense on lavish ways and even praises. I have attempted to find some explanations and elaborate one in my previous blog. But they are still inadequate.

Beyond imagination, without even robbing the love and attention I have for my wife, this woman has inspired me to create this blog. Her ambivalent reactions to my appreciation and admiration have sustained my posts. How long? I don’t know. Just as I can never tell whether I will ever sustain this blog’s phenomenal growth.

Looking back, I treated her just like any other member of our class. Although from the start she already exudes some kind of wits, charms, kindness, gentleness, sweetness and other qualities I admire. It was when I asked her help to facilitate my paper in her hometown that we started our constant communication. Most often, exchanging jokes and wits. We seemed to enjoy the new found friendship. Until due to unguarded recklessness, typically of me (at times), I offended her with my annoying innuendos and bothersome allusions and illusions. Still, she handled that rage with civility and grace which, surprisingly, intensified the pain I felt in the process of resolution and reconciliation.

Thereafter, I become overcautious not to renege on my promise never to hurt her again that way. Although, at times, my naughtiness attempts to test the water because despite the corresponding alienation, I seem to miss those moments when she freely expressed what was inside her. My previous posts and the upcoming ones, with periodic interlude of excerpts culled from my father’s diary, will determine the extent and sustainability of the phenomenal growth of this blog. And, perhaps, to a certain degree, how far our relationship will go based on her only demand – a clean and wholesome one.

Inspiring Change

A salute to  all  the women of the world who dare to

dream the impossible dream
fight the unbeatable foe
bear with unbearable sorrow
run where the brave dare not go.

right the unrightable wrong
be better far than you are
try when your arms are too weary
reach the unreachable star.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjI7VeIA7ZI

May you’ll continue with your quest, to follow that star,
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
still willing to give when there’s no more to give
and even  to die so that honor and justice may live

For  we know if the world will  only be true to this glorious quest
That any heart will lie peaceful and calm when laid to her  rest

And the world will be better for this
That one woman scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with her last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star.

(with apologies to Joe Darion, lyricist of the  ”The Impossible Dream”  which became one of the most beloved pop anthems of the 1960′s. He died in 2001 at the age of 90)

Finally, I got her loud and clear message

That’s the response I got  to my  proposal in the previous post. It will be recalled that I made a commitment  to maintain my friendship with an endearing woman and nothing more. I  promise  not to  burden her with my text messages, apart from usual greetings and show of concern from a friend. My only request is to allow me to love her  through the blog and find freedom in expressing what is inside me without fear and reservation. And let such feelings, freedom and even fantasies end there.

But she has a point and I respect that. If there is any other  woman I hold in high esteem, apart from my wife, it is her. She is so trustworthy. I have high respect on her seemingly  conservative ways, values and mindset. She always insists on a clean and wholesome relationship. I even thank her for being patient and understanding, despite the fact that I have hurt her with my  annoying innuendos and bothersome allusions and illusions, and unguarded recklessness.  Still, she handled that rage with civility and grace.

What now? Regular readers and followers know very well that this blog is a tribute to that  woman for successfully touching a soft spot in my being whose impact until now I cannot fully explain. Of all the women I met in my life, yea I have related with, there is only one worth comparing i.e. my beloved wife. I am not saying that the other women I have loved were less significant. I have valued them and treasured our relationship. But the extent of inspiration and challenge, as well as the gentle, albeit imposing or should I say domineering approach of the aforementioned duo makes the distinction. Coupled with their trustworthiness and simplicity of lifestyle that seems to take offense on lavish ways and even praises.

Sadly, I accept her decision, which is very obvious from the beginning. In fact, it was loud and clear since then. But I refused to listen and see. With this, I now  put an end to my fantasies and face the realities. Will this also end my blog?

Resolving ambivalence

Dearly beloved,

While we do not have the opportunity to know each other more personally, by your choice, yet I can sense if something is wrong, by your actuation through text messages. This is the only medium I can use to know you more by observing the pattern or reading between lines of your reply.

And recently, with the way you text or the absence of it, I can only assume you have already read my latest post on “not letting go…“For I cannot remember any offense I made to merit your snub. I was expecting, you would like the post. But it appeared you got offended again with my honesty or frankness in expressing my feelings. Whether this assumption is right or wrong, it triggers the fulfillment of my long time plan to personally write you to clarify matters once and for all. Although my blog is reflective of my feelings, at times, there are elements of exaggeration.

I could have used my own email address to make this letter more personal and realistic. But I want to free ourselves from further complications. As you read, just think this is mine and I mean it. That’s why instead of posting this on blog, I decided to sent it directly to you.

Let me first explain why I took the liberty to express my true feelings on the recent post. Although what I revealed is not totally new.That is, because it is the only outlet of my suppressed emotion. I cannot find other means to tell you what I feel which is acceptable for us aside from the blog. If you could recall, we made previous agreement that the blog is exempted from any prohibition/restriction which you want to impose to maintain the clean and wholesome relationship. And I religiously adhere to our agreements particularly in sending text messages which was always the cause of friction.

While I understand your dilemma in handling the situation, I also feel the same. Am treading on unfamiliar terrain in life’s experiences. Similar previous ones were intentional, deliberate, mutual, short- lived with romantic/sexual undertones. But this one is different. It is gradual and growing, without malice. I do not know how to completely describe it, other than to admit, it is difficult for me to handle, at the moment. Because, I never intend this to be. I did not seek for it. It just came naturally, unexpected, unplanned, unprogrammed. Quite strange yet true. Worse, I welcome it, although I know it will lead to nowhere. As quoted on my blog: “I enjoy living my humanity and exposing my vulnerability, without fear or shame, in loving you.

Why? Because I feel safe and secured in you. Knowing you, I am certain, we can maintain a clean and wholesome friendship, nothing more. I have high respect on your conservative ways, values and mindset. I know you will never allow our relationship to go beyond the limits. Neither am I incline to push my own way.

So this letter is an affirmation of my commitment to maintain our friendship and nothing more. Likewise, an assurance that I am mature enough to keep my professional self, always conscious of my responsibility and accountability as your mentor until you finish the course.

I will no longer burden you with my text messages, apart from usual greetings and show of concern from a friend. Just allow me to love you through the blog and find freedom in expressing what is inside me without fear and reservation. And let such feelings, freedom and even fantasies end there.

____________________

Letter sent to the woman who has inspired me to create this blog and changed my view on love. Written  and emailed to  her on December 21, 2013, I am not sure whether she has read the message, as we have not seen each  other yet after the Yuletide break. But I texted her the summary of the content on Christmas eve which she liked by the way she replied. With such inspiration,  I subsequently posted a Christmas blog.

Unexpected endearing realities: Inspiring development

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 2,900 times in 2013. If it were a cable car, it would take about 48 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Unexpected, indeed: Thanks to Reddit

I was not expecting hundreds would  join me in treading on unfamiliar terrain.  A day after my post, I was amazed by the twist in viewership of my blog as gleaned from the built- in stat counter. It was unexpected. So I checked my dashboard to see what happened. This message  greeted me.

welcome stats

Opening the stat site,  I discovered that the number one referrer was Reddit.

reddit.unexpected

Then, I remember that after my post, I tried to use all the services made available by the WordPress. In fact, when I registered to some services, admittedly I was not completely aware of the benefits I would get. There were times, Reddit would reprimand me for neglecting some rules in submission. When I was about  to choose the subreddit, I tried to encode unfamiliar. But I could not find the word. Instead unexpected was one of those which appeared.

Thus, I click it without expecting something unexpected twist would happen. And it did happen. Thanks for Reddit.

unexpected twist

Wikipedia  has described Reddit  as  a social news and entertainment website where registered users submit content in the form of links or text posts. Users then vote each submission “up” or “down” to rank the post and determine its position on the site’s pages. Content entries are organized by areas of interest called “subreddits”. A blogger named Micah has made a good discussion on how Reddit works and how to use it to grow your business.

In retrospection, the phenomenal growth of  this blog is unexpected, too. It has overtaken my other  blogs. As of this writing, the Alexa rank is 346,546 with 2,830 views. Even its creation was unexpected. Would you ever believe that at my age and status in life, I  venture to blog on love and romance? I have never done this before as shown in the niche of my other blogs. Better still, would you ever believe that I would fall in love with a woman other than my wife. But things happened unexpectedly.

But isn’t this an endearing reality in life? Significant things happened unexpectedly. The birth of Jesus whom Christians believe to be the incarnated God, the prophesied King  and Savior of  the world took place in an unexpected setting- a manger in a little town of Bethlehem. Mind you, the unlikely witness to such glorious event were the shepherds, considered as the lowest and most despised social groups at that time. But it was just the start of controversies unexpected of  long awaited king and messiah. Later, he surrounded himself with disciples who were unschooled and ordinary, disdained  tax collectors and revolutionaries. Some of his associates were dregs  and outcast of  the  society. 

Indeed, as blogger Rachel Held Evans describes, it is unexpected to find God in

     Jesus, who was born as an oppressed minority in an occupied land,
     Jesus who was an immigrant,
     Jesus, who surrounded himself with the poor, the sick, the marginalized and the “untouchables,”
     Jesus who was criticized by the religious for hanging out with sinners,
     Jesus who treated women with dignity and respect,
     Jesus who taught his disciples to love their enemies, to give without expecting anything in return, to overcome evil with love,
     Jesus who suffered,
     Jesus who wept,
     Jesus who – while hanging on a Roman cross – said, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Oh what an endearing reality in life. Many things happen the way we never expect them to be.  For as St. Paul was quoted in the Holy Book saying:   God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.make foolish wise.

Keep on following this blog for more unexpected but endearing realities  in life.

Unconditional love

What makes this year’s yuletide celebration significant to me?

I made my endearing lady happy with my Christmas present. Oh, my gift was not extravagance. Neither was it extra ordinary. I did not even personally handed her the token. I sent her a text message – the essence of which makes her feel good, relieve, and of course happy by the way she appreciated it in her reply.

The content?

Taken from: abhilashakatoch.blogspot.com

Taken from: abhilashakatoch.blogspot.com

Nothing sophisticated. A simple appreciation of my wonderful experience with her, the lessons she has taught me in so short a time we got acquainted with, and a promise to disturb her no more. Instead, I will continue loving her the way she wants it to be, unconditional, without expectations.

Its significance?

Some months ago, I got acquainted with this endearing lady I have learned to love. Her charms, wits, charisma came at a time when I was unconsciously longing for such. By accepting me just as I am, she made me feel at ease and comfortable in our relationship.

Taken from: mapenzinandoa.wordpress.com

Taken from: mapenzinandoa.wordpress.com

She seemed to have no reservation on what and where I had been. Rather than questioning or trying to find explanation or meaning, at all times, she taught me to just appreciate and enjoy things more than understand them. In so short time, she has gained my trust and confidence by just allowing me to express myself without fear and reservation. I almost forget my foes and woes, my fears and tears, wearies and worries, my plaints and pains in life.

She has entertained me with her jokes, charmed me with smiles or frown, and puzzled me by her seemingly mysterious ways. The extent of inspiration and challenge she has given me, as well as the gentle, albeit imposing or domineering approach makes the distinction. Likewise, her trustworthiness and simplicity of lifestyle that seems to take offense on lavish ways and even praises.

What’s the problem then?

Lovable and loving, yet she is less appreciative of the admiration and value I give her. The more I love her, the nil my chances to score , as she deliberately shuts the door and curtails any attempt to woo her. For ours is somewhat a forbidden love.

In fact, from the start, there is no illusion in me to seriously court her as we are no longer free to engage in such relationship. Neither is there any wild thought to dream that fate will eventually catch us together in most unlikely course of events or circumstances. For doing so is just like going against all odds.

But why can’t I let her go? Better still, why can’t I let go of my feelings?

Taken from: youareharmony.blogspot.com

Taken from: youareharmony.blogspot.com

Ironically, it is the odds that make me hold on. For I feel safe and secured in her. I know she will never allow our relationship to go beyond the limits. For she always insist on a clean and wholesome one.

In her, I can let go of all my inhibition (but not my feelings towards her). Yea, my reservations and find freedom in expressing what is inside me without fear of infidelity. I enjoy living my humanity and exposing my vulnerability, without fear or shame, in loving her.

Besides, I could no longer free myself from the emotional trap I willingly created and entangled. For how can I let go of my feelings towards her when she is the reason for the creation of this blog. It’s just like compelling myself to put an end to this blog and, as well, bid goodbye to the readers.

Where lies the lesson?

Throughout the process, I have learned how it is  to love unconditionally,  without expecting a return.Absurd? Not really. Isn’t it the essence of the First Christmas?

Taken from: pastorblog.cumcdebary.org

Taken from: pastorblog.cumcdebary.org

From the Holy Book, we learn  the gift of love of the Divine to humanity without condition through the incarnation: “When the  Divine became flesh and made his dwelling among us. ” From such precedence, we can develop a mindset that does not seek for our advantage but  the good of others, even at our expense.

Oh how I thank my endearing lady  for such experience. And in order  to make her Christmas happier, I promise no longer to disturb her with my irresistible innuendos  and sweet nothings messages.  Rather, I will continue loving her the way she wants our relationship to be, as friends, nothing more, nothing less.

With one condition, of course:  Allowing  me to love her forever  freely, without fear or  favor, without inhibition, restrictions and  conditions  through this blog. And let such feelings, freedom and even fantasies end here. Isn’t this an unconditional love?

Anyway, let me greet all the readers a Wonderful Christmas and Productive New Year.