In my previous post, I described in details one probable reason to explain the strange yet true feeling I have for you. Your charms, wits, charisma might have come at a time when I was unconsciously longing for such.
Circumstances have compelled me to face the harsh but endearing realities of life by almost forgetting my vulnerable humanity or keep it locked up inside the “mind over body” framework. And then you came and freely engaged me in a fresh relationship, uncontaminated, unadulterated by my past. Thereafter, you have unlocked my suppressed emotions. Like the opened dam, all of my humanity found expressions and relief in your friendship.
Taken from: blessyourhearts.blogspot.com
By accepting me just as I am, you made me feel at ease and comfortable in our relationship. You seemed to have no reservation on what and where I had been. In fact, it’s me who has been more concerned on the need for us to know each other well and to set the parameters so as to avoid exceeding the limits. But you did not take the suggestion seriously. Instead you taught me to take things as they are. Rather than questioning or trying to find explanation or meaning, at all times. For there are things in life, you told me, which should be appreciated and enjoyed more than being understood.
You have gained my trust and confidence, in short a time. For you just allow me to express myself without fear and reservation. I almost forget my foes and woes, my fears and tears, wearies and worries, my plaints and pains in life. You have entertained me with your jokes, charmed me with your smiles or frown, and puzzled me by your seemingly mysterious ways.
I feel being human again, younger than I thought or ought to be, carefree and, at times, careless than what I usually do as expected in my profession and position. In our exchanges of text messages and jokes, I find freedom of expressions which seems to have no limits.
Unaware of most intimate things and volatile conditions in my life, you treat me normally as it should be without fear or favor. At times, hurting me. But it makes me feel good and realize I might have been overprotected in the past by people who loved me and cared for me. Thus, I might have not lived life, normally.
One thing I am happy about when I reflect on our relationship is the fact that I cannot recall any instance when I lied to you. I might have exaggerated some truths. I might have overstepped the bounds, pushed myself beyond the limits. There were times when I might have become insensitive to the extent of hurting or offending you and got your ire. Still I remain honest with my feelings towards you. I have been consistently true to you and to myself in expressing my feelings. Would you not congratulate me?
Your charms, wits, charisma might have come at a time when I was unconsciously longing for such. Once I was blessed to meet a person with similar traits. In fact, I was so fascinated that I wooed her and succeeded to seal our covenant to have each other in sickness and in health, till death do us part. Death almost take its role but failed. Yet the love for service deprived me of her. She has now served as inspiration to others who feel blessed by her voluntary engagement in service.
And who am I to curtail their privilege? How can I deprive her of right to actualize self, as Maslow conceived it to be, apart from me? Am I not the one who exhibited such passion in service which contaminated her? Aren’t the circumstances leading to where she is now my own doings? It was my initiatives and commitment that forced her to take the cudgel for me because of my multiple tasks. Throughout our relationship, she has internalized the value of service including the risks inherent on it. She has been aware of my past commitments, and even had the foretaste of the risks involved in the name of service.
I will never forget her response when I became over protective and tried to remind her of the risks and the consequences of her devotion, especially because she is a woman. She asked, in return:
“Don’t you know the extent of my worries and fears when you involved yourself to any of the causes you have been in? But I tried to understand you because I believe in your cause. But why stop me now? Can’t I take same risks? Am I not worthy of the cause?“
I felt humiliated and forever hold my peace. For indeed who am I to deprive her, or any one else, of the opportunity to serve the people or do the will of God according to how they hear and respond to the still small voice?
Since then I included my wife to Khalil Gibran’s poetic assertion that
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
I conditioned myself to remain unaffected by missing and yearning for my loved ones. I might have become stoic and falsely take pride on my seeming invincibility after surviving the most critical and crucial encounter with the harsh but endearing realities of life and death. I might have forgotten my vulnerable humanity or keep it locked up inside the “mind over body” framework.
Taken from powerofwho.wordpress.com
And then you came, unaware of most intimate things in my life and freely engaged me in a fresh relationship, uncontaminated, unadulterated by my past. Unconsciously, nay unintentionally, you might have found the key that unlock my suppressed emotions. Like the opened dam, all of my humanity found expressions and relief in your friendship.
What more?You have impressed me by accepting me just as I am without any reservation on what and where I had been.You made me feel at ease and comfortable in our friendship. This will be the next subject of my succeeding posts.
I blog because I am almost in tears. I don’t know why this kind of longings have suddenly beset me. I can remember only few instances when I had such sense of loneliness, in varying degree.
First, was after a successful mission and our team was disintegrated after a couple of months of togetherness and we went back to our respective hometown. The feeling was so intense that I decided to go back to school even before class started to look for my team members. Only to learn from them that the feeling had been mutual.
Second, during the early stage of love affair of a sweetheart whom I married years later which became the more intensified after that knot every time one was away from each other’s presence due to the call of service. Still, the feeling had been mutual.
Thirdly, the longings for my kids when they were still young and I had to be away for meetings or conferences in other regions requiring an overnight stay. Still, such feeling had been mutual.
Finally, during the most critical period in my life when I felt even God had forsaken me, if not left me alone in the dark. So intense that despite the care of family and friends, there were moments I found myself, alone in the struggle.
However, after surviving such test, I feel some kind of invincibility , overcoming any other crises in almost all aspects of life. Nothing bothers me, anymore. Not even a problem, concern or need whose existence are not negligible. While they affect you when they come, the effect is just temporary as the thought that everything will soon come to pass casts their sting away.
I find myself immune to the absence of my loved ones, as well as loved “once” as I consider such a part of the norm or routine. I have reached the point in my life that I have given each one of them respective liberty to find meaning in their life apart from me. I have become overly realistic, yea pragmatic that I totally believe Khalil Gibran’s poetic assertion:
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
And now this kind of feeling towards you when we do not have a deeper relation apart from friendship which you always insist and I concede. There is even a nil chance for us to personally talk with each other longer due to the demands of work, coupled with your own reservation. It was only our regular text messages that connect our relationship. And now, you deprived me of such happiness, without reasonable ground. Worse, I do not even know whether the feeling is mutual.
Why? What is in you that makes me feel this way? And how could you to do this to me? Do you think I deserve it?
‘Twas summer when we met and developed a ” sort of love-at-first-sight” relationship. But I could no longer recall now why her favorite song was September Morn. She had a good voice. I always felt enchanted in listening to her sang that song with gusto. I suspect it was her birthday and my gift might have elated her so much that she wanted to immortalize it with the song. Otherwise, unforgettable things might happened between us on a September morn. Anyway, I can’t help myself but try to recall the highlights of our love affair.
I was having my chaplaincy internship at that time. She was on extended stay at the girl’s dorm after taking the entrance exam in a state university upon the prodding of her parents who wanted her to be a medical doctor. Earlier, she took an entrance exam in another region. Since we stayed at that same compound, our paths would always met. Thereafter, we bound ourselves in a commitment to give love another chance.
She had been traumatized by a painful relationship. She felt in love once to a person who loved her so much too. Yet, the call of vocation separated their ways. Against their will, they could not resist the divine intervention. She vowed not to love again. Much more enter into another love relation especially to a person with noble calling or cause, lest herstory would repeat itself . For many years, she succeeded to fulfill her vow, resisting any attempt to betray it. For she did not want to be hurt again. In fact, that was the reason why despite our mutual admiration, she tried to evade being trapped again into a lasting commitment. Only to give in later when our romance prospered with a renewed vow- ‘twould be her last.
There was a problem though. Before we met, she had already made up her mind to study in another region. As expected, she passed the entrance exam there and failed in the state university.With heavy heart, she enrolled only to leave the school in few months to be with me. Incensed, her father took her away from me, but not without a warning lest I would not follow the next day. It was sort of courtroom drama when for the first time I personally encountered her lawyer father.
But all the heated arguments, (mixed up with insults to agitate me,so as to find reason to vent their anger) boiled down to a crucial issue- whether something happened between us in her stay in my boarding house. It was at this stage when they considered my truth as fiction although I knew they were happy about it. Still they seemed not to believe that a rooster would refuse to peck the feed that willingly come to his cage. Anyway, after that grilling encounter, they gave in to her wish to resume study in a university closer to where I stayed. There was a condition, though – to maintain a “clean and wholesome relationship” until she finish a second course in preparation for our future.
Taken from shiningsons.tumblr.com
Another problem cropped up, however. At that time, the struggle against dictatorial rule in our country had intensified. Earlier, I gave up my scholarship to do voluntary work in an organization serving the poor, deprived and the oppressed. In resuming my final year in school, I was forced to work part time to sustain my existence. While she always felt heaven when we were together and seemed to demand more time, it was an ambivalent condition for me. While I enjoyed her presence, the thought of missing work load marred the day. She offered to support me and my cause. I refused. She intimated to join the movement I was in. I became over protective with her, knowing the risk as her father is part of the government’s machinery we wanted to dismantle. That ignited the inconvenience. She started to become jealous with our cause and a lady comrade in my collective.
The vulnerability of our relationship found another crack when she got his father’s clock in her belongings under my care through an intermediary. Without malice. I included all her other belongings because of the unstable condition and my delicate situation. I had a constant movement of residence to deter surveillance. She felt offended, I was told. That started the distance until finally we lost contact, except from common friends who would always relay mutual regards. Making matters worse, when I quitted schooling to work full time in the underground movement. Thereinafter, I was engaged in other relationships and finally established my own family, ironically, with a woman whose wholesome background is a contradiction to my colored and controversial past.
Still, from time-to-time, I would receive an extended regards through common friends with additional note: She remained single, ever faithful to our relationship, fulfilling her ultimate vow. So this September, I remember her and her favorite song. And in my recollections, I seem to hear the unforgettable line in another favorite song she always sang:
The truth is I never left you All through my wild days My mad existence I kept my promise Don’t keep your distance
My dear once, wherever, you are. I did not mean to hurt you. Thank you for keeping your promise. I am sorry I have kept my distance.
endearing realities 