Clean and wholesome relationship

Repeated more than once, you have clearly conveyed your message in a wholesome way. That is what you want – a clean and wholesome friendship. This is another thing I like in you. I knew you were really  mad, at that time, nay irritated  with the way I pushed the issue despite your resistance. But you still expressed your annoyance in a wholesome manner. Distance was not enough to  cover the penetrating message coming from the depth of your heart. I read it clearly, hear it audibly. Its arrow has pierced my heart.  I felt convicted. I realized my wrong. I have overstepped the bounds, exceeded the  limits.  I have offended your decency.

Humbly did I admit my mistakes, my sins, my trespasses, my iniquities. Like a tamed rascal, who had learned lessons in a painful way,  I suddenly became meek for the sake of our friendship. I have learned to value it  because  I don’t want to lose you. I know I can sacrifice my personal interest in the name of clean and wholesome friendship.  Although I believe,  and always will, that  my failings are forgivable, not grave, not mortal for  how could you hold grudge to  a person  whose only mistake is his honesty to express admiration and love? I even feel aggrieved, yea, suppressed for the holy book assures us that “there is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear. ” Yet I know that in this kind of society such as ours  where there is a double standard of morality,  women are the most vulnerable to issues or intrigues on  relationship whether true or not. Hence, the over consciousness or emphasis on clear and wholesome relationship.

However,  I have been disturbed by  confusing signals. They are not unnoticeable.  Seemingly,  there is an ambiguity on the root  cause of your resistance, anger  or irritation. Is it because you were betrayed, violated, abused, scandalized? Did I appear uncourteous, disrespectful, lewd ? Have I made obscene advances, appear playful, bohemian, easy- go- lucky, casanova?  I don’t feel guilty of the charges. While I was brutally honest with my feelings, I did not become abusive.  Neither I was rude. Forgive me, but the thought  that you just want to suppress your feelings,  from time to time, surfaces in my mind.  Baseless,  it may be, the possibility that this triggers your resistance  is not always remote.

Photo Credit: http://www.nypost.com

Besides, I don’t always feel comfortable in a clean and wholesome atmosphere. Since childhood,  I always make it a point  to play mud in the rain, dip my legs  in canal, potholes, and floodwater.  I love to  take off my sandals so that my feet can touch the dirt of the ground. For how can I get rid of my roots – home of  flooded rice paddies with endearing sights to behold. Mixed with blood,  sweat and tears of those who till the land and tirelessly toil, they comprise the endearing realities in countrysides. For from those dirty hands, we find the  supply of food for our land.   Much more, when I become professional, I find soiling my hands, either by doing  backyard chores,  carpentry, vehicle  washing and repair,  a productive stress – relief    mechanism or diversion.

Similarly, in most instances, clean and wholesome do not always go together. Many times, I find myself in unpleasant situation despite my clean intention or motive. When I joined the ranks of activists and revolutionaries, my direction was clear, intention clean and noble, motives pure  but people diluted, nay polluted,  my involvement with their bias, prejudice. I would even say cowardice, if not  justification, to their apathy, negligence and sins of omission. Oh how the standards of our society controlled by chosen few have adulterated even the noblest intention or the spirit and essence of those twin words.

Despite all my reservations and arguments, however, no matter how unconvinced, I willingly submit to your wish and expectations. After all, they are worthwhile. They are not bad. Neither are they burdensome, nor detrimental to health and relationship .  Better still, do I have a choice?  I value you and our friendship. Whatever  sustain our relationship, I consider them part of the endearing realities in life.  Yes, let’s maintain a clean and wholesome friendship. All  because  I love you, dear friend.

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Find meaning in routine

A boy carries his dog whilst wading in floodwaters brought by the monsoon rain, intensified by tropical storm Trami, in Paranaque city

Credit: REUTERS/Romeo Ranoco (PHILIPPINES ) Taken from Yahoo! News- Philippines

Ahead of us are another routinary activities in work, school, office, at home or wherever we may be. What gives meaning to whatever we do is the hope we bring to each person we meet that will inspire them to live, laugh, love and find meaning to harsh, yet endearing, life’s realities.

I was wrong

I thought our relationship would always become happy, healthy and wholesome.

But I was wrong…

when you called my attention  about your feeling of  uneasiness   in some of my allusions… While  I  became illusive and defensive to the extent of  asking  you to specify, I knew in my heart you were right to feel that way. For I have also become uncomfortable in  realizing  that I have started to entertain seriously the feeling that has been developing within me towards you.

I thought I could  handle the vulnerable situation in trying to establish a relationship that paves the way for us to regularly communicate and be closer to one another. With all the previous love relations that I have, I thought  I am mature enough  to manage my feelings, take control of my vulnerabilities and never be deceived by my illusions .

But I was wrong …

when I realized you have already captivated my heart and  I have a nil  chance for a narrow escape from  reality. Worse, I do not even have the intention to escape.

I thought I would never feel this way again after my marriage. Family life has changed my mindset and affections. Romanticism and infatuation, typical of youth and unattached were superseded by  realistic outlook in life with sense of responsibility and accountability including sacrifices of self interest and aspiration.

Photo Credit: http://www.inc.com

But I was wrong

Admittedly,  in most instances  the romantic innuendos  I allude to in the form of jokes  are   really meant for you to know my feeling.  When I say, I love you, I care for you, I dream of you, I really mean them.  When I kid you that you are just trying to resist  your  falling in love with me, at the back of my mind, there is such a  wish. I always justify those to be part of our jokes because I am afraid the moment you know my real feelings, you’ll put an end to our friendship and perhaps try to avoid me or totally evade  any attempt to strengthen our growing friendship . Yes, deep within me  is the fear of losing you, although I know we are no longer free.

I was wrong to underestimate the power of love.

You made my day, again

Such has become a cliché to us as we enjoy each other’s  exchanges of text messages almost daily. Sort of appreciation for the relief we  mutually find from each other after  a tiring day’s office work. Regardless of the sweetness or harshness of our jokes, we accept them as they are without malice. Although, at times, we can read between lines  an element of truth in  expressing sweet nothings in unconventional way. Surely, you protest this allegation as you often do  and always will, which is but natural, unlike my constant admission.

Yes, it has become sort of ritual to take turns  in initiating  the conversation  with me in the morning while you take charge of the evening’s session. Although, at times, I have to concede to your endearing naughtiness  which I always expect. Many times you made me wait in suspense which you tried to compensate with your  charms. I have to admit I long for such moments  as  I always make a good laugh and in the process, relieving  any stress or erasing any shade of doubt for the completeness  of the day.

But it was different last night. I waited for you to open the line of communication but you did not. I tried to wait for more  time without success. So, I   initiated a joke or sort of insult but you did not take  the bait. I was little bit discouraged. Nay,  mad, frustrated. Deep within me is a sigh  of protest,  a cry of injustice for  how could you do this to me while I have been religious in doing my part? But when the nasty feeling subsided, I realized it was unfair for me to judge you without basis. After all, you did not commit yourself to anything as  I always tend to assume.

Thereafter, there was a change of climate. A feeling of concern has replaced the impatience and rudeness. Many thoughts had flashed into my mind on the possible causes that might have given you lots of  anguish. You might have lost your cellphone and so worried that you could not communicate with me as expected. Or  somebody had sneaked  into the intimate exchanges in your phone and intervened in our affairs which curtailed your freedom to express yourself. Worse, you might be into an inner struggle against yourself – forcing yourself to distance from me while you can still  resist the temptation to seriously fall in love with me.

With all these disturbing  thoughts I  could hardly slept, worrying about you. I think I had slept later than usual as my mind was preoccupied with thoughts on how to  monitor your real situation the next day. Probably, I was so engrossed with such thoughts that I failed to check my cellphone before falling asleep.

It was early in the morning upon waking up that I read the text message which you sent almost midnight. Your feeling sorry for not texting was a consolation to me. But the reason why was far from my list and seemed to put in vanity all my worries. It was even beyond my expectations. A slap to my illusion. Should I be happy or sad to know that  you were so  engrossed with, albeit entertained by watching the Kapamilya teleserye (ABSCBN television soap opera) that you  fell asleep without knowing it?

Wheewww! Strange, ridiculous, absurd or whatever. Still, you made my day, again.

Something to tell you

You wonder why I want to talk with you for a longer time? I tried to ask myself similar question.

Why?

ImageNothing  less than to know you more. Maybe I just  want to be realistic. We have already spent  some time and perhaps emotion in exchanging text messages that mutually made our day.  Hopefully,  we will be spending more depending on  how we sustain such friendship.  To what extent we enjoy such  new relationship  may vary from time to time. Undeniably, however, we  find refuge in each other virtual presence after a day’s  work, most often a tough one,   tiring and at times tiresome , yet  fulfilling. And so I feel it proper to know the person   to whom I would invest more time and trust.

For what?

Probably, I want to have a glimpse of what is in you that attracts me to engage in such friendship and trust.  Admittedly, I do not know you aside from our interaction in classrooms and later in texting.  But I just  feel comfortable  and maybe secured in exchanging intimate  thoughts  and feelings,  maybe in the form of jokes or seemingly  senseless  comments though never lack  in meaning and   sensibility. ImageYou aptly said  it  when you texted something  like this  – “ there are things that should be enjoyed and appreciated, not  necessarily (or  at all  times)  understood.” Perhaps the artist in you  dictated such  thought which   I subsequently  agreed.  But the philosopher in me is restive until I  find  its meaning . And I feel knowing you more will make me discover  the answer be it proximate  if not ultimate.

And then what?

Again, I have to be realistic.  There is no illusion in me to  seriously court you  as we are no longer free to engage in such relationship. Neither is there any  wild thought to dream that fate  will eventually catch us together in most unlikely   course of events  or circumstances.  Although, nothing is impossible in a world full of surprises and antipodes.

compromiseAnd so why do I have such interest to know you more?

I don’t know. I just feel there is something good to happen between us  for without which our paths would  never cross this way, unintentionally or unexpectedly. For I have been conditioned to look for mutuality in relationship and service with the end view of development- a sustainable one.   I might have also internalized  the distinctive Filipino value of “utang  na  loob”. Admittedly, you have done something good to me. As I told you, you have touched something in my being. You have made me happy many times. And perhaps I long for your company.

Image

But more than that, I want to return  the favor.  My life experiences have taught me  to be inclusive- to seek not only my own benefit, but that of others, as well, not only to be served but to serve.  Maybe I want to be of help to you sometime in the future, somewhere  and  in whatever ways. Not necessarily because you need it. But I  believe you deserve it. You deserve to  be happy and to be loved

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