Defining the state of ambivalence

The long weekend due to All Saints Day  became longer because of the absence of communication between us. While I made some attempts, the thought that you have reserved those moments for your family restrained me. For I did not want to spoil your precious time with them. Neither did I wish to compete for your attention. For knowing your value system, I knew I would be in the losing end. Left with no other choice, I looked for an alternate way to avert my anticipated missing and longings for you within the period.

Knowing pretty well that your picture would always play prominently in my mind, no matter how I try to evade, I decided to confront the harsh but endearing realities. I spent the time thinking about you and our relationship. Indeed, the long weekend turned out to be a time to define the state of ambivalence.

For so long, I have observed and experienced some kind of ambivalence as I relate myself with you. In my earlier post, I claimed to have been disturbed by your confusing signals which made me think you just wanted to suppress your feelings. The way I pushed the issue got your ire, yet you still managed to handle such rage with grace. And for that experience you earned more of my high esteem and respect. While I continue to observe such kind of ambivalence in you, I keep it to myself since then. 

There are lots of ambivalence in me, too, every time I feel you are near yet so far. To borrow some poetic quotes, You appear like a radiant star, first so near then again so far. Like a rainbow, you come, after the storm. But much as I wish to behold your luster longer, it suddenly disappears. And when I feel almost down, you give me hope to carry on. There are times when I almost seized your elusiveness, yet allow you to entangle yourself. 

Have I not told you that I love challenges and feel agitated with one’s elusiveness? Yes, I like to chase even the unreachable star. For I am fond of being on the side of the underdogs. Oh, how I love to defend even a losing cause. One won’t lose anything, anyway, if he fails but earn everything when he succeeds in letting the lost cause wins. This is one cause of my ambivalence. Much as I want you to continue being elusive, so that I can chase you, I am afraid, I might catch you and subsequently lost the interest in pursuing  you further.  For I always want you to be beyond my reach so as not to  lose  your mystery.

Can you not remember my first ever post? When I become realistic in assessing our budding friendship. There was no illusion in me to seriously court you as we are no longer free to engage in such relationship. Neither is there any wild thought to dream that fate will eventually catch us together in most unlikely course of events or circumstances.

Yet, I don’t know why I continue to entertain the thought that nothing is impossible in a world full of surprises and antipodes. A world full of harsh yet endearing realities. There was even one post when I admitted I was wrong to underestimate the power of love.
(To be continued)


One thought on “Defining the state of ambivalence

  1. Pingback: ambivalence… | Etymon

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