Resolving ambivalence

Dearly beloved,

While we do not have the opportunity to know each other more personally, by your choice, yet I can sense if something is wrong, by your actuation through text messages. This is the only medium I can use to know you more by observing the pattern or reading between lines of your reply.

And recently, with the way you text or the absence of it, I can only assume you have already read my latest post on “not letting go…“For I cannot remember any offense I made to merit your snub. I was expecting, you would like the post. But it appeared you got offended again with my honesty or frankness in expressing my feelings. Whether this assumption is right or wrong, it triggers the fulfillment of my long time plan to personally write you to clarify matters once and for all. Although my blog is reflective of my feelings, at times, there are elements of exaggeration.

I could have used my own email address to make this letter more personal and realistic. But I want to free ourselves from further complications. As you read, just think this is mine and I mean it. That’s why instead of posting this on blog, I decided to sent it directly to you.

Let me first explain why I took the liberty to express my true feelings on the recent post. Although what I revealed is not totally new.That is, because it is the only outlet of my suppressed emotion. I cannot find other means to tell you what I feel which is acceptable for us aside from the blog. If you could recall, we made previous agreement that the blog is exempted from any prohibition/restriction which you want to impose to maintain the clean and wholesome relationship. And I religiously adhere to our agreements particularly in sending text messages which was always the cause of friction.

While I understand your dilemma in handling the situation, I also feel the same. Am treading on unfamiliar terrain in life’s experiences. Similar previous ones were intentional, deliberate, mutual, short- lived with romantic/sexual undertones. But this one is different. It is gradual and growing, without malice. I do not know how to completely describe it, other than to admit, it is difficult for me to handle, at the moment. Because, I never intend this to be. I did not seek for it. It just came naturally, unexpected, unplanned, unprogrammed. Quite strange yet true. Worse, I welcome it, although I know it will lead to nowhere. As quoted on my blog: “I enjoy living my humanity and exposing my vulnerability, without fear or shame, in loving you.

Why? Because I feel safe and secured in you. Knowing you, I am certain, we can maintain a clean and wholesome friendship, nothing more. I have high respect on your conservative ways, values and mindset. I know you will never allow our relationship to go beyond the limits. Neither am I incline to push my own way.

So this letter is an affirmation of my commitment to maintain our friendship and nothing more. Likewise, an assurance that I am mature enough to keep my professional self, always conscious of my responsibility and accountability as your mentor until you finish the course.

I will no longer burden you with my text messages, apart from usual greetings and show of concern from a friend. Just allow me to love you through the blog and find freedom in expressing what is inside me without fear and reservation. And let such feelings, freedom and even fantasies end there.


Letter sent to the woman who has inspired me to create this blog and changed my view on love. Written  and emailed to  her on December 21, 2013, I am not sure whether she has read the message, as we have not seen each  other yet after the Yuletide break. But I texted her the summary of the content on Christmas eve which she liked by the way she replied. With such inspiration,  I subsequently posted a Christmas blog.


Unconditional love

What makes this year’s yuletide celebration significant to me?

I made my endearing lady happy with my Christmas present. Oh, my gift was not extravagance. Neither was it extra ordinary. I did not even personally handed her the token. I sent her a text message – the essence of which makes her feel good, relieve, and of course happy by the way she appreciated it in her reply.

The content?

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Nothing sophisticated. A simple appreciation of my wonderful experience with her, the lessons she has taught me in so short a time we got acquainted with, and a promise to disturb her no more. Instead, I will continue loving her the way she wants it to be, unconditional, without expectations.

Its significance?

Some months ago, I got acquainted with this endearing lady I have learned to love. Her charms, wits, charisma came at a time when I was unconsciously longing for such. By accepting me just as I am, she made me feel at ease and comfortable in our relationship.

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She seemed to have no reservation on what and where I had been. Rather than questioning or trying to find explanation or meaning, at all times, she taught me to just appreciate and enjoy things more than understand them. In so short time, she has gained my trust and confidence by just allowing me to express myself without fear and reservation. I almost forget my foes and woes, my fears and tears, wearies and worries, my plaints and pains in life.

She has entertained me with her jokes, charmed me with smiles or frown, and puzzled me by her seemingly mysterious ways. The extent of inspiration and challenge she has given me, as well as the gentle, albeit imposing or domineering approach makes the distinction. Likewise, her trustworthiness and simplicity of lifestyle that seems to take offense on lavish ways and even praises.

What’s the problem then?

Lovable and loving, yet she is less appreciative of the admiration and value I give her. The more I love her, the nil my chances to score , as she deliberately shuts the door and curtails any attempt to woo her. For ours is somewhat a forbidden love.

In fact, from the start, there is no illusion in me to seriously court her as we are no longer free to engage in such relationship. Neither is there any wild thought to dream that fate will eventually catch us together in most unlikely course of events or circumstances. For doing so is just like going against all odds.

But why can’t I let her go? Better still, why can’t I let go of my feelings?

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Ironically, it is the odds that make me hold on. For I feel safe and secured in her. I know she will never allow our relationship to go beyond the limits. For she always insist on a clean and wholesome one.

In her, I can let go of all my inhibition (but not my feelings towards her). Yea, my reservations and find freedom in expressing what is inside me without fear of infidelity. I enjoy living my humanity and exposing my vulnerability, without fear or shame, in loving her.

Besides, I could no longer free myself from the emotional trap I willingly created and entangled. For how can I let go of my feelings towards her when she is the reason for the creation of this blog. It’s just like compelling myself to put an end to this blog and, as well, bid goodbye to the readers.

Where lies the lesson?

Throughout the process, I have learned how it is  to love unconditionally,  without expecting a return.Absurd? Not really. Isn’t it the essence of the First Christmas?

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From the Holy Book, we learn  the gift of love of the Divine to humanity without condition through the incarnation: “When the  Divine became flesh and made his dwelling among us. ” From such precedence, we can develop a mindset that does not seek for our advantage but  the good of others, even at our expense.

Oh how I thank my endearing lady  for such experience. And in order  to make her Christmas happier, I promise no longer to disturb her with my irresistible innuendos  and sweet nothings messages.  Rather, I will continue loving her the way she wants our relationship to be, as friends, nothing more, nothing less.

With one condition, of course:  Allowing  me to love her forever  freely, without fear or  favor, without inhibition, restrictions and  conditions  through this blog. And let such feelings, freedom and even fantasies end here. Isn’t this an unconditional love?

Anyway, let me greet all the readers a Wonderful Christmas and Productive New Year.

Easier said than done

I was bold enough to  declare letting go, for now, in my previous blog, until you realize you need me more than anything else. However, I realized later such decision is easier said than done.

For how can I let go of my feelings towards you when you are the reason for the creation of  this blog. It’s just like compelling myself to put an end to this blog and, as well,  bid goodbye to the readers.


Letting you go would mean  dictating my heart to cease beating, for awhile,   or  forcing  my mind to  stop thinking, in a moment.  For you have become a part of my daily existence, integrated into my feelings and thoughts.

Letting you go is far from truth. A betrayal of my being.

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Inspiring development

endearing realitiesThe unprecedented  wave  of this blog continues. In less than  a month  after I posted its Alexa rank, the rate has further improved, as well as the blog stats.  From 878,269  to 549,611 globally with 2,875 traffic rank in the Philippines. Alexa checks traffic on website. It  reveals  how  well your website or blog fare against others in the traffic competition.  So far, this is the highest  rank attained by any of my blogs. Surprisingly,  the  newest blog – one which I never intended to create. Neither did it occur even in my wildest dream to discuss love, relationship, and romance. Much more to expose myself to throngs of  netizens on web. I just can’t imagine how awkward it would be when my identity is revealed someday.  For I, long, have resigned or should I say retired from  this stage of  infatuation.

Not until  this mysterious lady rekindled my passion and  inspired me to create this blog. I was even amused on  how I came up with the title. I consider her mysterious because she puzzles me no end. She sustains her  ambivalence. Oftentimes, so near yet so far. Just when I was about to seize her elusiveness, she easily untangles herself from the trap. At times, I consider her no longer mortal and call her an angel to her delight, I presume, for that would keep her safe from my wooing.

While Alexa’s  accuracy has been contested by critics, I won’t join the fray . Suffice it for me to witness and enjoy how the rankings of my blogs improve, as I  keep the challenge to myself and make my own blogs compete  among themselves. That’s how shallow my happiness is.

But what makes this inspiring development more significant is its contagious effect to my other blogs. Many of them have dramatically improved their rankings. In fact, two blogs have also broken  the 1,000,000 ceiling I set for my blogs. Even my blog on spirituality has soared to heights.  All because of the inspiration and challenge brought about  by  the endearing realities to my other blogs which compel me to update some of them.


Oh how I wish that this inspiring development  will be replicated in my relationship with this mysterious lady. I wish my ranking will dramatically improve as I compete with persons, places, tasks, thoughts and emotions creating traffic daily in her mind and heart. For I know each has already established  respective place in her being. I do not even know whether there is still a remaining space for me to fit in to join the competition.  For she exhibits a mindset  and value system which  is well entrenched that I find it difficult to infiltrate. She is more particular with what  people think than what she wants or wishes to do , as expected in a married woman.  She appears to sacrifice self interest or friendship just to keep up with the demands of norm and tradition. So much so that even our personal talk has been very limited lest we disabuse people’s  mind.


Oh how I wish  I can read your mind,  dear mysterious lady,  in order for me  to know my  ranking in the traffic competition within your heart and mind . But I can’t. However, I seem to feel the beatings of your heart. Although its sound is not so  audible  which  refrains me from assuming that I am fortunate enough to be responsible for  any of those heartbeats.

Entangled, again, in the power of love

The phenomenal development of this blog is unprecedented. In so short a time it has overtaken my other blogs in terms of Alexa rank and Technorati. In less than two months without  even a dozen posts, the Alexa rank is 878,269 while the Technorati rank is 40715, as of this post.

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Alexa is a quick and easy way to estimate how popular your site is compared to other sites. It show that how popular your website or blog is in term of Traffic. Ratings start from 1 to 20,000,000 and even beyond. The lower the number, the better your Alexa rating is.

Technorati, on the other hand, is a directory and ranking-tool for blogs. Ranking on Technorati is advantageous to blog in terms of big boost in traffic and general credibility. Technorati Rank is a site’s rank among the Technorati Authority of all sites. 1 is the highest rank. Technorati also provides a ranking of sites by authority, overall and within categories.  Authority is on a scale of 0-1000. In this ranking system, the higher the number, the better.

While there have been expressed reservations and criticisms on their accuracy, some continue to believe that the ranking inevitably influences the marketability of the blog,  provides inspiration to bloggers,  and ( for the entrepreneur minded) attracts the advertisers.

Likewise, the blog has gained 714  hits and hundreds of visitors from various countries, as  this  post is being drafted.  Once published, the number will certainly increase.

ardei mazaPersonally, I cannot help but feel awed by this development and attribute this to the power of love. I have tried creating and maintaining blogs on various niche – politics, spirituality, development, activism, social action, voluntarism inherent in my conviction and position. But some could not reach the less than a million rank. While it is true that my other blogs succeeded to reach better rank than the Endearing Realities do, they  took  longer period with constant posts to sustain respective ranks. However, when I aimlessly venture on love story, I seem to find meaning in what I do, being entangled again in the power of love.

This blog is a tribute to a woman for successfully touching a soft spot in my being whose impact until now I cannot fully explain. Of all the women I met in my life, yea I have related with, there is only one worth comparing i.e. my beloved wife. I am not saying that the other women I have loved were less significant. I have valued them and treasured our relationship. But the extent of inspiration and challenge, as well as the gentle, albeit imposing or should I say domineering approach of the aforementioned duo makes the distinction. Coupled with their trustworthiness and simplicity of lifestyle that seems to take offense on lavish ways and even praises. I have attempted to find some explanations  and elaborate one in my previous blog. But they are still inadequate.

Beyond imagination, without even robbing the love and attention I have for my wife, this woman has inspired me to create this blog. Her ambivalent reactions to my appreciation and admiration have sustained my posts. How long? I don’t know. Just as I can never tell whether I will ever sustain this blog’s phenomenal growth.

Looking back, I treated her just like any other member of our class. Although from the start she already exudes some kind of wits, charms, kindness, gentleness, sweetness and other qualities I admire. It was when I asked her help to facilitate my paper in her hometown that we started our constant communication. Most often, exchanging jokes and wits. We seemed to enjoy the new found friendship. Until due to unguarded recklessness, typically of me (at times), I offended her with my annoying innuendos and bothersome allusions and illusions. Still, she handled that rage with civility and grace which, surprisingly, intensified the pain I felt in the process of resolution and reconciliation.

Thereafter, I become overcautious not to renege on my promise never to hurt her again that way. Although, at times, my naughtiness attempts to test the water because despite the corresponding alienation, I seem to miss those moments when she freely expressed what was inside her. My previous posts and the upcoming ones, with periodic interlude of excerpts culled  from my father’s diary, will determine the extent and sustainability of the phenomenal growth of this blog. And, perhaps, to a certain degree, how far our relationship will go based on her only demand – a clean and wholesome one. Expect more posts  as I find myself being entangled, again, in the power of love.

I was wrong

I thought our relationship would always become happy, healthy and wholesome.

But I was wrong…

when you called my attention  about your feeling of  uneasiness   in some of my allusions… While  I  became illusive and defensive to the extent of  asking  you to specify, I knew in my heart you were right to feel that way. For I have also become uncomfortable in  realizing  that I have started to entertain seriously the feeling that has been developing within me towards you.

I thought I could  handle the vulnerable situation in trying to establish a relationship that paves the way for us to regularly communicate and be closer to one another. With all the previous love relations that I have, I thought  I am mature enough  to manage my feelings, take control of my vulnerabilities and never be deceived by my illusions .

But I was wrong …

when I realized you have already captivated my heart and  I have a nil  chance for a narrow escape from  reality. Worse, I do not even have the intention to escape.

I thought I would never feel this way again after my marriage. Family life has changed my mindset and affections. Romanticism and infatuation, typical of youth and unattached were superseded by  realistic outlook in life with sense of responsibility and accountability including sacrifices of self interest and aspiration.

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But I was wrong

Admittedly,  in most instances  the romantic innuendos  I allude to in the form of jokes  are   really meant for you to know my feeling.  When I say, I love you, I care for you, I dream of you, I really mean them.  When I kid you that you are just trying to resist  your  falling in love with me, at the back of my mind, there is such a  wish. I always justify those to be part of our jokes because I am afraid the moment you know my real feelings, you’ll put an end to our friendship and perhaps try to avoid me or totally evade  any attempt to strengthen our growing friendship . Yes, deep within me  is the fear of losing you, although I know we are no longer free.

I was wrong to underestimate the power of love.