Resolved

I just can’t believe to finally get the positive response, I longed for, from her. In fact, when she got mad with me four months ago, I had lost the drive to maintain this blog. Her loud and clear message appeared to seal the remaining hole in my illusion. In that post, I even hinted to end my blog just as I put an end to my fantasies and face the realities.

It was unexpected, sort of surprise similar to my reaction when I opened up this blog after some months and realized that my Alexa rank slid to almost 5,000 from unprecedented phenomenal growth reaching to 346,546, the highest rank attained by any of my blogs. Alexa checks traffic on website. It reveals how well your website or blog fare against others in the traffic competition. Ratings start from 1 to 20,000,000 and even beyond. The lower the number, the better your Alexa rating is.

Yes. While she maintained her stand to confine our relationship within the boundary of friendship insisting on a clean and wholesome relationship, she granted my request to freely express what is inside me without fear and reservation. Sort of affirmation in resolving the ambivalence.

It is in this context that I started to revive this blog with a resolve to recapture the unprecedented wave it had experienced before. This blog is a tribute to a woman for successfully touching a soft spot in my being whose impact until now I cannot fully explain. Of all the women I met in my life, yea I have related with, there is only one worth comparing i.e. my beloved wife. I am not saying that the other women I have loved were less significant. I have valued them and treasured our relationship. But the extent of inspiration and challenge, as well as the gentle, albeit imposing or should I say domineering approach of the aforementioned duo makes the distinction. Coupled with their trustworthiness and simplicity of lifestyle that seems to take offense on lavish ways and even praises. I have attempted to find some explanations and elaborate one in my previous blog. But they are still inadequate.

Beyond imagination, without even robbing the love and attention I have for my wife, this woman has inspired me to create this blog. Her ambivalent reactions to my appreciation and admiration have sustained my posts. How long? I don’t know. Just as I can never tell whether I will ever sustain this blog’s phenomenal growth.

Looking back, I treated her just like any other member of our class. Although from the start she already exudes some kind of wits, charms, kindness, gentleness, sweetness and other qualities I admire. It was when I asked her help to facilitate my paper in her hometown that we started our constant communication. Most often, exchanging jokes and wits. We seemed to enjoy the new found friendship. Until due to unguarded recklessness, typically of me (at times), I offended her with my annoying innuendos and bothersome allusions and illusions. Still, she handled that rage with civility and grace which, surprisingly, intensified the pain I felt in the process of resolution and reconciliation.

Thereafter, I become overcautious not to renege on my promise never to hurt her again that way. Although, at times, my naughtiness attempts to test the water because despite the corresponding alienation, I seem to miss those moments when she freely expressed what was inside her. My previous posts and the upcoming ones, with periodic interlude of excerpts culled from my father’s diary, will determine the extent and sustainability of the phenomenal growth of this blog. And, perhaps, to a certain degree, how far our relationship will go based on her only demand – a clean and wholesome one.

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Finally, I got her loud and clear message

That’s the response I got  to my  proposal in the previous post. It will be recalled that I made a commitment  to maintain my friendship with an endearing woman and nothing more. I  promise  not to  burden her with my text messages, apart from usual greetings and show of concern from a friend. My only request is to allow me to love her  through the blog and find freedom in expressing what is inside me without fear and reservation. And let such feelings, freedom and even fantasies end there.

But she has a point and I respect that. If there is any other  woman I hold in high esteem, apart from my wife, it is her. She is so trustworthy. I have high respect on her seemingly  conservative ways, values and mindset. She always insists on a clean and wholesome relationship. I even thank her for being patient and understanding, despite the fact that I have hurt her with my  annoying innuendos and bothersome allusions and illusions, and unguarded recklessness.  Still, she handled that rage with civility and grace.

What now? Regular readers and followers know very well that this blog is a tribute to that  woman for successfully touching a soft spot in my being whose impact until now I cannot fully explain. Of all the women I met in my life, yea I have related with, there is only one worth comparing i.e. my beloved wife. I am not saying that the other women I have loved were less significant. I have valued them and treasured our relationship. But the extent of inspiration and challenge, as well as the gentle, albeit imposing or should I say domineering approach of the aforementioned duo makes the distinction. Coupled with their trustworthiness and simplicity of lifestyle that seems to take offense on lavish ways and even praises.

Sadly, I accept her decision, which is very obvious from the beginning. In fact, it was loud and clear since then. But I refused to listen and see. With this, I now  put an end to my fantasies and face the realities. Will this also end my blog?

Resolving ambivalence

Dearly beloved,

While we do not have the opportunity to know each other more personally, by your choice, yet I can sense if something is wrong, by your actuation through text messages. This is the only medium I can use to know you more by observing the pattern or reading between lines of your reply.

And recently, with the way you text or the absence of it, I can only assume you have already read my latest post on “not letting go…“For I cannot remember any offense I made to merit your snub. I was expecting, you would like the post. But it appeared you got offended again with my honesty or frankness in expressing my feelings. Whether this assumption is right or wrong, it triggers the fulfillment of my long time plan to personally write you to clarify matters once and for all. Although my blog is reflective of my feelings, at times, there are elements of exaggeration.

I could have used my own email address to make this letter more personal and realistic. But I want to free ourselves from further complications. As you read, just think this is mine and I mean it. That’s why instead of posting this on blog, I decided to sent it directly to you.

Let me first explain why I took the liberty to express my true feelings on the recent post. Although what I revealed is not totally new.That is, because it is the only outlet of my suppressed emotion. I cannot find other means to tell you what I feel which is acceptable for us aside from the blog. If you could recall, we made previous agreement that the blog is exempted from any prohibition/restriction which you want to impose to maintain the clean and wholesome relationship. And I religiously adhere to our agreements particularly in sending text messages which was always the cause of friction.

While I understand your dilemma in handling the situation, I also feel the same. Am treading on unfamiliar terrain in life’s experiences. Similar previous ones were intentional, deliberate, mutual, short- lived with romantic/sexual undertones. But this one is different. It is gradual and growing, without malice. I do not know how to completely describe it, other than to admit, it is difficult for me to handle, at the moment. Because, I never intend this to be. I did not seek for it. It just came naturally, unexpected, unplanned, unprogrammed. Quite strange yet true. Worse, I welcome it, although I know it will lead to nowhere. As quoted on my blog: “I enjoy living my humanity and exposing my vulnerability, without fear or shame, in loving you.

Why? Because I feel safe and secured in you. Knowing you, I am certain, we can maintain a clean and wholesome friendship, nothing more. I have high respect on your conservative ways, values and mindset. I know you will never allow our relationship to go beyond the limits. Neither am I incline to push my own way.

So this letter is an affirmation of my commitment to maintain our friendship and nothing more. Likewise, an assurance that I am mature enough to keep my professional self, always conscious of my responsibility and accountability as your mentor until you finish the course.

I will no longer burden you with my text messages, apart from usual greetings and show of concern from a friend. Just allow me to love you through the blog and find freedom in expressing what is inside me without fear and reservation. And let such feelings, freedom and even fantasies end there.

____________________

Letter sent to the woman who has inspired me to create this blog and changed my view on love. Written  and emailed to  her on December 21, 2013, I am not sure whether she has read the message, as we have not seen each  other yet after the Yuletide break. But I texted her the summary of the content on Christmas eve which she liked by the way she replied. With such inspiration,  I subsequently posted a Christmas blog.

Unconditional love

What makes this year’s yuletide celebration significant to me?

I made my endearing lady happy with my Christmas present. Oh, my gift was not extravagance. Neither was it extra ordinary. I did not even personally handed her the token. I sent her a text message – the essence of which makes her feel good, relieve, and of course happy by the way she appreciated it in her reply.

The content?

Taken from: abhilashakatoch.blogspot.com

Taken from: abhilashakatoch.blogspot.com

Nothing sophisticated. A simple appreciation of my wonderful experience with her, the lessons she has taught me in so short a time we got acquainted with, and a promise to disturb her no more. Instead, I will continue loving her the way she wants it to be, unconditional, without expectations.

Its significance?

Some months ago, I got acquainted with this endearing lady I have learned to love. Her charms, wits, charisma came at a time when I was unconsciously longing for such. By accepting me just as I am, she made me feel at ease and comfortable in our relationship.

Taken from: mapenzinandoa.wordpress.com

Taken from: mapenzinandoa.wordpress.com

She seemed to have no reservation on what and where I had been. Rather than questioning or trying to find explanation or meaning, at all times, she taught me to just appreciate and enjoy things more than understand them. In so short time, she has gained my trust and confidence by just allowing me to express myself without fear and reservation. I almost forget my foes and woes, my fears and tears, wearies and worries, my plaints and pains in life.

She has entertained me with her jokes, charmed me with smiles or frown, and puzzled me by her seemingly mysterious ways. The extent of inspiration and challenge she has given me, as well as the gentle, albeit imposing or domineering approach makes the distinction. Likewise, her trustworthiness and simplicity of lifestyle that seems to take offense on lavish ways and even praises.

What’s the problem then?

Lovable and loving, yet she is less appreciative of the admiration and value I give her. The more I love her, the nil my chances to score , as she deliberately shuts the door and curtails any attempt to woo her. For ours is somewhat a forbidden love.

In fact, from the start, there is no illusion in me to seriously court her as we are no longer free to engage in such relationship. Neither is there any wild thought to dream that fate will eventually catch us together in most unlikely course of events or circumstances. For doing so is just like going against all odds.

But why can’t I let her go? Better still, why can’t I let go of my feelings?

Taken from: youareharmony.blogspot.com

Taken from: youareharmony.blogspot.com

Ironically, it is the odds that make me hold on. For I feel safe and secured in her. I know she will never allow our relationship to go beyond the limits. For she always insist on a clean and wholesome one.

In her, I can let go of all my inhibition (but not my feelings towards her). Yea, my reservations and find freedom in expressing what is inside me without fear of infidelity. I enjoy living my humanity and exposing my vulnerability, without fear or shame, in loving her.

Besides, I could no longer free myself from the emotional trap I willingly created and entangled. For how can I let go of my feelings towards her when she is the reason for the creation of this blog. It’s just like compelling myself to put an end to this blog and, as well, bid goodbye to the readers.

Where lies the lesson?

Throughout the process, I have learned how it is  to love unconditionally,  without expecting a return.Absurd? Not really. Isn’t it the essence of the First Christmas?

Taken from: pastorblog.cumcdebary.org

Taken from: pastorblog.cumcdebary.org

From the Holy Book, we learn  the gift of love of the Divine to humanity without condition through the incarnation: “When the  Divine became flesh and made his dwelling among us. ” From such precedence, we can develop a mindset that does not seek for our advantage but  the good of others, even at our expense.

Oh how I thank my endearing lady  for such experience. And in order  to make her Christmas happier, I promise no longer to disturb her with my irresistible innuendos  and sweet nothings messages.  Rather, I will continue loving her the way she wants our relationship to be, as friends, nothing more, nothing less.

With one condition, of course:  Allowing  me to love her forever  freely, without fear or  favor, without inhibition, restrictions and  conditions  through this blog. And let such feelings, freedom and even fantasies end here. Isn’t this an unconditional love?

Anyway, let me greet all the readers a Wonderful Christmas and Productive New Year.

Against all odds, I won’t let go…

Taken from: bergenandassociates.ca

Taken from: bergenandassociates.ca

I was about to sleep after a tiring day.  Few minutes ago,  I bade good night to both of you. As it were, my wife immediately returned the favor. Apart from usual  deep seated wish, I did not expect much  from you to  free myself from frustration. Hence, I started whispering my evening prayer as routinary prelude  to  my slumber. But it was interrupted by the message alert tone  containing your text message. Inspired, I edited my outbox  outline for today’s post on not letting go and about  to  save it when the thought of directly encoding the draft came into my mind.

I  couldn’t explain why despite its anticipated  effect to my sleep, I gave in to the demand. Probably, life’s uncertainties always make me cautious not to leave any intriguing  content on my cell phone that would cause problems to my loved ones when I am gone. I don’t want to add more to their grief and misery, especially my dear wife. For I have offended her in the past, not more than once. And I don’t want to repeat the pain and struggles we have had when  I opened up to her my fall.

I know we are not that  guilty, for there’s no infidelity involved in our relationship. We do not even have deeper relations than friendship, although, in my part, I am certain that the love  I have for  you is more than for a  friend. I do not hide this to you which you always try to parry or evade. I  have tried, many times to let go of this feeling or let you go from my thoughts. But the more I do  it, the intense my feeling has become.

Taken from: fbcoverstreet.com

Taken from: fbcoverstreet.com

Many times,  I have become realistic and acknowledge that while you seem to be near, you choose to be far. While you are closer than my breath, you try to maintain your distance like a star. You are lovable and loving but  choose not to be loved.  I know that  the more I love you, the less my chances to be closer to  your heart, as you deliberately shut the door and  curtail any attempt to woo you.  I can only dream or desire for your love but I know I can’t  have  it. For ours is like a forbidden love.  And even if   the day comes when you feel the same towards me which is next to impossible but not remote. Oh, sometimes, I seem to feel the beatings of your heart and catch a glance in your eyes. Yet,  even  by sheer chance or fate  the impossible  happens,  I know  you will still betray your feelings. For you always always insist on a clean and wholesome relationship. And by that, you mean maintaining mere friendship, nothing more.

Taken from: favim.com

Taken from: favim.com

But why can’t I let you go against all odds? Why can’t I let go of my feelings, no matter how i convince myself that our relationship won’t go that far as it has been  going nowhere? Ironically, it is the odds that make me hold on. For    I feel safe and secured in your love. I know you will not betray me. Neither will you be unfaithful to  your loved ones. For you can deceive yourself by hiding your feelings but not other people.  I know you will never allow our relationship to go beyond the limits. For you always insist on a clean and wholesome one.

Having been into many past relationship, I  seem to sense the kind that will reach  to something else, anywhere and nowhere.  Having experienced being tempted in either thought,  words  or deeds  or both with casual slid, I always take precautionary measures and  dare, if I must, with calculated risks. But there’s no risk involved in  investing my feelings. For in you, I let go of all my inhibition, yea, my reservations and find freedom in expressing what is inside me without fear of infidelity. I enjoy living my humanity and  exposing my vulnerability, without fear or shame,  in loving you.  That’s why against all odds, I won’t let go of my feelings. Yes, I won’t let you go.

Letting go…

I almost gave up on you last week when you remained mum despite my barrage of text messages. Somehow, I have reached my limit. It was not the first time you did it to me. We were supposed to have our date on Saturday. You renamed it group meeting, insisting date is prohibited for us considering our status. I conceded. Yet , few hours before the schedule, you texted me you could not come because of some important matters. While I felt bad about it, I tried to understand your priority and console myself by focusing on the preparation in our relief operation and medical mission.

But you communicated with me late in the afternoon, kidding whether my day was complete without you. I was quite elated when you made the first move, again hopeful, expecting you to sound apologetic and send me consoling messages. But that was all the message I got from you for the day. You remained unresponsive even to my jokes and sarcasm. Your silence sent confusing signals. I took it to mean either you did not get the joke, or so guilt-ridden, or just insensitive to the feelings of others? Either way, I feel offended by your snub.

While licking the wound of an offended ego, I gradually realized the futility of keeping this seemingly one-sided affair. I decided to forget about you for a while, as I focused on my work and family. I succeeded to overcome my missing and longings for you for a day. Inspired by the development, I was on the verge of letting go of my feelings towards you, to free myself from the emotional trap I willingly created and entangled. But, again, you held back that feeling by breaking the silence and apologizing for the mess as it was too late you realized my text messages were all found in the spam of your new mobile phone.

Taken from: happyfoodhealthylife.com

Again, I seemed to forget all the nasty feelings and thoughts against you as we resumed our endearing exchanges of text messages. You were back to your charming, witty, naughty yet endearing self. However, unexpectedly, it was short lived. In few days, you became illusive. Your text messages became rare as raindrops during summer. Like a dip of water in a faucet during shortage, I could easily count it. To paraphrase the cry of Psalmist in the Holy Book, as the deer pants after the water brooks, I long for your text and start to lose my patience. More so, when I found out I have another rival for your attention apart from your dearly beloved, your work and family. Worse, when you confided to me about the identity of your new infatuation, nay your addiction.

I then remember three months ago when similar lag happened in our communication. When a feeling of concern had replaced my sigh of protest, impatience and rudeness. I was so worried on what might have happened to you that I almost became sleepless. Only to find out early in the morning that the real culprit was beyond my fear and imagination. You were so engrossed with, albeit entertained by watching the Kapamilya teleserye (ABSCBN television soap opera) that you fell asleep without knowing it.

Taken from: mommamonstersconfessions.blogspot.com

Taken from: mommamonstersconfessions.blogspot.com

Lest more of these vanities continue to play with my emotion, I have decided to let go with my feelings towards you, no matter how painful it would seem. I am giving you all the freedom to be with your new crush that I want to crash, if given my way. Yes, letting go, for now, until you realize you need me more than anything else.

Confusing signals

We could have met yesterday after the semestral break. I was quite excited to see you again face-to-face. More so, when earlier you insinuated that I could treat you to a lunch for your belated birthday celebration. Although, admittedly I was in a dilemma because of a lunch meeting scheduled later to finalize coordinated relief operation and medical mission to isolated island areas ravaged by Typhoon Yolanda. I have committed our organization to do the ground work and assist in the actual operation. But I have resolved the issue by proposing to bring you to the meeting as you are in the position to guide us because of your past experiences including your current work. Thereafter, we would have all the time to talk and celebrate.

Yet , few hours before the schedule, you texted me you could not come because of some important matters. While I felt bad about it, I tried to understand your priority and console myself that perhaps the situation turned out to be favorable so that our group could concentrate on our mission. For a while, I forgot about you and focus on the preparation. Until you texted me late in the afternoon kidding me whether my day was complete without your presence. Of course, I replied with my signature sarcastic joke – ridiculing you for asking things you already know and daring to laugh at my misfortune, clinching such with sigh for my predicament. You did not reply. So, I made a follow up to prick your conscience informing you about my commendable initiative just to materialize our date. But you kept mum. Attempting to ease the tension, I reminded you that I was the aggrieved party, hence, you have no reason to feel offended. Still, you maintained your silence which confused me – either you did not get the joke, or so guilt-ridden, or just insensitive to the feelings of others?

I was then reminded of your confession during one of our last conversations before the break. When I commended you for your sense of maturity compared to your age. In fact, this is one thing I admire in you. Yea, the thing that attracts me. We can easily level off intellectually. While agreeing with me, you made mention about your seeming immaturity in relationship. I did not pursue the issue for I refused to believe you, having been impressed by your personality and attitude towards life. But now, I got confused with the signals.  Inevitably, a picture of an outgoing girl, charming and witty, outsmarting many – me  included, in some instances. Yet, keep her distance and retreat to her comfort zone when the goings get tough and rough.

A contrasting level of IQ and EQ? Are you trying to reveal yourself to me, now? Or the circumstances have started to unveil your vulnerability? Like what the after effect of Typhoon Yolanda has been doing in our country- exposing the vulnerabilities of our leaders and politicians  as they handle the crises.