Resolved

I just can’t believe to finally get the positive response, I longed for, from her. In fact, when she got mad with me four months ago, I had lost the drive to maintain this blog. Her loud and clear message appeared to seal the remaining hole in my illusion. In that post, I even hinted to end my blog just as I put an end to my fantasies and face the realities.

It was unexpected, sort of surprise similar to my reaction when I opened up this blog after some months and realized that my Alexa rank slid to almost 5,000 from unprecedented phenomenal growth reaching to 346,546, the highest rank attained by any of my blogs. Alexa checks traffic on website. It reveals how well your website or blog fare against others in the traffic competition. Ratings start from 1 to 20,000,000 and even beyond. The lower the number, the better your Alexa rating is.

Yes. While she maintained her stand to confine our relationship within the boundary of friendship insisting on a clean and wholesome relationship, she granted my request to freely express what is inside me without fear and reservation. Sort of affirmation in resolving the ambivalence.

It is in this context that I started to revive this blog with a resolve to recapture the unprecedented wave it had experienced before. This blog is a tribute to a woman for successfully touching a soft spot in my being whose impact until now I cannot fully explain. Of all the women I met in my life, yea I have related with, there is only one worth comparing i.e. my beloved wife. I am not saying that the other women I have loved were less significant. I have valued them and treasured our relationship. But the extent of inspiration and challenge, as well as the gentle, albeit imposing or should I say domineering approach of the aforementioned duo makes the distinction. Coupled with their trustworthiness and simplicity of lifestyle that seems to take offense on lavish ways and even praises. I have attempted to find some explanations and elaborate one in my previous blog. But they are still inadequate.

Beyond imagination, without even robbing the love and attention I have for my wife, this woman has inspired me to create this blog. Her ambivalent reactions to my appreciation and admiration have sustained my posts. How long? I don’t know. Just as I can never tell whether I will ever sustain this blog’s phenomenal growth.

Looking back, I treated her just like any other member of our class. Although from the start she already exudes some kind of wits, charms, kindness, gentleness, sweetness and other qualities I admire. It was when I asked her help to facilitate my paper in her hometown that we started our constant communication. Most often, exchanging jokes and wits. We seemed to enjoy the new found friendship. Until due to unguarded recklessness, typically of me (at times), I offended her with my annoying innuendos and bothersome allusions and illusions. Still, she handled that rage with civility and grace which, surprisingly, intensified the pain I felt in the process of resolution and reconciliation.

Thereafter, I become overcautious not to renege on my promise never to hurt her again that way. Although, at times, my naughtiness attempts to test the water because despite the corresponding alienation, I seem to miss those moments when she freely expressed what was inside her. My previous posts and the upcoming ones, with periodic interlude of excerpts culled from my father’s diary, will determine the extent and sustainability of the phenomenal growth of this blog. And, perhaps, to a certain degree, how far our relationship will go based on her only demand – a clean and wholesome one.

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Resolving ambivalence

Dearly beloved,

While we do not have the opportunity to know each other more personally, by your choice, yet I can sense if something is wrong, by your actuation through text messages. This is the only medium I can use to know you more by observing the pattern or reading between lines of your reply.

And recently, with the way you text or the absence of it, I can only assume you have already read my latest post on “not letting go…“For I cannot remember any offense I made to merit your snub. I was expecting, you would like the post. But it appeared you got offended again with my honesty or frankness in expressing my feelings. Whether this assumption is right or wrong, it triggers the fulfillment of my long time plan to personally write you to clarify matters once and for all. Although my blog is reflective of my feelings, at times, there are elements of exaggeration.

I could have used my own email address to make this letter more personal and realistic. But I want to free ourselves from further complications. As you read, just think this is mine and I mean it. That’s why instead of posting this on blog, I decided to sent it directly to you.

Let me first explain why I took the liberty to express my true feelings on the recent post. Although what I revealed is not totally new.That is, because it is the only outlet of my suppressed emotion. I cannot find other means to tell you what I feel which is acceptable for us aside from the blog. If you could recall, we made previous agreement that the blog is exempted from any prohibition/restriction which you want to impose to maintain the clean and wholesome relationship. And I religiously adhere to our agreements particularly in sending text messages which was always the cause of friction.

While I understand your dilemma in handling the situation, I also feel the same. Am treading on unfamiliar terrain in life’s experiences. Similar previous ones were intentional, deliberate, mutual, short- lived with romantic/sexual undertones. But this one is different. It is gradual and growing, without malice. I do not know how to completely describe it, other than to admit, it is difficult for me to handle, at the moment. Because, I never intend this to be. I did not seek for it. It just came naturally, unexpected, unplanned, unprogrammed. Quite strange yet true. Worse, I welcome it, although I know it will lead to nowhere. As quoted on my blog: “I enjoy living my humanity and exposing my vulnerability, without fear or shame, in loving you.

Why? Because I feel safe and secured in you. Knowing you, I am certain, we can maintain a clean and wholesome friendship, nothing more. I have high respect on your conservative ways, values and mindset. I know you will never allow our relationship to go beyond the limits. Neither am I incline to push my own way.

So this letter is an affirmation of my commitment to maintain our friendship and nothing more. Likewise, an assurance that I am mature enough to keep my professional self, always conscious of my responsibility and accountability as your mentor until you finish the course.

I will no longer burden you with my text messages, apart from usual greetings and show of concern from a friend. Just allow me to love you through the blog and find freedom in expressing what is inside me without fear and reservation. And let such feelings, freedom and even fantasies end there.

____________________

Letter sent to the woman who has inspired me to create this blog and changed my view on love. Written  and emailed to  her on December 21, 2013, I am not sure whether she has read the message, as we have not seen each  other yet after the Yuletide break. But I texted her the summary of the content on Christmas eve which she liked by the way she replied. With such inspiration,  I subsequently posted a Christmas blog.

Against all odds, I won’t let go…

Taken from: bergenandassociates.ca

Taken from: bergenandassociates.ca

I was about to sleep after a tiring day.  Few minutes ago,  I bade good night to both of you. As it were, my wife immediately returned the favor. Apart from usual  deep seated wish, I did not expect much  from you to  free myself from frustration. Hence, I started whispering my evening prayer as routinary prelude  to  my slumber. But it was interrupted by the message alert tone  containing your text message. Inspired, I edited my outbox  outline for today’s post on not letting go and about  to  save it when the thought of directly encoding the draft came into my mind.

I  couldn’t explain why despite its anticipated  effect to my sleep, I gave in to the demand. Probably, life’s uncertainties always make me cautious not to leave any intriguing  content on my cell phone that would cause problems to my loved ones when I am gone. I don’t want to add more to their grief and misery, especially my dear wife. For I have offended her in the past, not more than once. And I don’t want to repeat the pain and struggles we have had when  I opened up to her my fall.

I know we are not that  guilty, for there’s no infidelity involved in our relationship. We do not even have deeper relations than friendship, although, in my part, I am certain that the love  I have for  you is more than for a  friend. I do not hide this to you which you always try to parry or evade. I  have tried, many times to let go of this feeling or let you go from my thoughts. But the more I do  it, the intense my feeling has become.

Taken from: fbcoverstreet.com

Taken from: fbcoverstreet.com

Many times,  I have become realistic and acknowledge that while you seem to be near, you choose to be far. While you are closer than my breath, you try to maintain your distance like a star. You are lovable and loving but  choose not to be loved.  I know that  the more I love you, the less my chances to be closer to  your heart, as you deliberately shut the door and  curtail any attempt to woo you.  I can only dream or desire for your love but I know I can’t  have  it. For ours is like a forbidden love.  And even if   the day comes when you feel the same towards me which is next to impossible but not remote. Oh, sometimes, I seem to feel the beatings of your heart and catch a glance in your eyes. Yet,  even  by sheer chance or fate  the impossible  happens,  I know  you will still betray your feelings. For you always always insist on a clean and wholesome relationship. And by that, you mean maintaining mere friendship, nothing more.

Taken from: favim.com

Taken from: favim.com

But why can’t I let you go against all odds? Why can’t I let go of my feelings, no matter how i convince myself that our relationship won’t go that far as it has been  going nowhere? Ironically, it is the odds that make me hold on. For    I feel safe and secured in your love. I know you will not betray me. Neither will you be unfaithful to  your loved ones. For you can deceive yourself by hiding your feelings but not other people.  I know you will never allow our relationship to go beyond the limits. For you always insist on a clean and wholesome one.

Having been into many past relationship, I  seem to sense the kind that will reach  to something else, anywhere and nowhere.  Having experienced being tempted in either thought,  words  or deeds  or both with casual slid, I always take precautionary measures and  dare, if I must, with calculated risks. But there’s no risk involved in  investing my feelings. For in you, I let go of all my inhibition, yea, my reservations and find freedom in expressing what is inside me without fear of infidelity. I enjoy living my humanity and  exposing my vulnerability, without fear or shame,  in loving you.  That’s why against all odds, I won’t let go of my feelings. Yes, I won’t let you go.

Easier said than done

I was bold enough to  declare letting go, for now, in my previous blog, until you realize you need me more than anything else. However, I realized later such decision is easier said than done.

For how can I let go of my feelings towards you when you are the reason for the creation of  this blog. It’s just like compelling myself to put an end to this blog and, as well,  bid goodbye to the readers.

endearing

Letting you go would mean  dictating my heart to cease beating, for awhile,   or  forcing  my mind to  stop thinking, in a moment.  For you have become a part of my daily existence, integrated into my feelings and thoughts.

Letting you go is far from truth. A betrayal of my being.

Taken from: shirtoid.com

Taken from: shirtoid.com

 

Defining the state of ambivalence

The long weekend due to All Saints Day  became longer because of the absence of communication between us. While I made some attempts, the thought that you have reserved those moments for your family restrained me. For I did not want to spoil your precious time with them. Neither did I wish to compete for your attention. For knowing your value system, I knew I would be in the losing end. Left with no other choice, I looked for an alternate way to avert my anticipated missing and longings for you within the period.

Knowing pretty well that your picture would always play prominently in my mind, no matter how I try to evade, I decided to confront the harsh but endearing realities. I spent the time thinking about you and our relationship. Indeed, the long weekend turned out to be a time to define the state of ambivalence.

For so long, I have observed and experienced some kind of ambivalence as I relate myself with you. In my earlier post, I claimed to have been disturbed by your confusing signals which made me think you just wanted to suppress your feelings. The way I pushed the issue got your ire, yet you still managed to handle such rage with grace. And for that experience you earned more of my high esteem and respect. While I continue to observe such kind of ambivalence in you, I keep it to myself since then. 

There are lots of ambivalence in me, too, every time I feel you are near yet so far. To borrow some poetic quotes, You appear like a radiant star, first so near then again so far. Like a rainbow, you come, after the storm. But much as I wish to behold your luster longer, it suddenly disappears. And when I feel almost down, you give me hope to carry on. There are times when I almost seized your elusiveness, yet allow you to entangle yourself. 

Have I not told you that I love challenges and feel agitated with one’s elusiveness? Yes, I like to chase even the unreachable star. For I am fond of being on the side of the underdogs. Oh, how I love to defend even a losing cause. One won’t lose anything, anyway, if he fails but earn everything when he succeeds in letting the lost cause wins. This is one cause of my ambivalence. Much as I want you to continue being elusive, so that I can chase you, I am afraid, I might catch you and subsequently lost the interest in pursuing  you further.  For I always want you to be beyond my reach so as not to  lose  your mystery.

Can you not remember my first ever post? When I become realistic in assessing our budding friendship. There was no illusion in me to seriously court you as we are no longer free to engage in such relationship. Neither is there any wild thought to dream that fate will eventually catch us together in most unlikely course of events or circumstances.

Yet, I don’t know why I continue to entertain the thought that nothing is impossible in a world full of surprises and antipodes. A world full of harsh yet endearing realities. There was even one post when I admitted I was wrong to underestimate the power of love.
(To be continued)

Inspiring development

endearing realitiesThe unprecedented  wave  of this blog continues. In less than  a month  after I posted its Alexa rank, the rate has further improved, as well as the blog stats.  From 878,269  to 549,611 globally with 2,875 traffic rank in the Philippines. Alexa checks traffic on website. It  reveals  how  well your website or blog fare against others in the traffic competition.  So far, this is the highest  rank attained by any of my blogs. Surprisingly,  the  newest blog – one which I never intended to create. Neither did it occur even in my wildest dream to discuss love, relationship, and romance. Much more to expose myself to throngs of  netizens on web. I just can’t imagine how awkward it would be when my identity is revealed someday.  For I, long, have resigned or should I say retired from  this stage of  infatuation.

Not until  this mysterious lady rekindled my passion and  inspired me to create this blog. I was even amused on  how I came up with the title. I consider her mysterious because she puzzles me no end. She sustains her  ambivalence. Oftentimes, so near yet so far. Just when I was about to seize her elusiveness, she easily untangles herself from the trap. At times, I consider her no longer mortal and call her an angel to her delight, I presume, for that would keep her safe from my wooing.

While Alexa’s  accuracy has been contested by critics, I won’t join the fray . Suffice it for me to witness and enjoy how the rankings of my blogs improve, as I  keep the challenge to myself and make my own blogs compete  among themselves. That’s how shallow my happiness is.

But what makes this inspiring development more significant is its contagious effect to my other blogs. Many of them have dramatically improved their rankings. In fact, two blogs have also broken  the 1,000,000 ceiling I set for my blogs. Even my blog on spirituality has soared to heights.  All because of the inspiration and challenge brought about  by  the endearing realities to my other blogs which compel me to update some of them.

endearing

Oh how I wish that this inspiring development  will be replicated in my relationship with this mysterious lady. I wish my ranking will dramatically improve as I compete with persons, places, tasks, thoughts and emotions creating traffic daily in her mind and heart. For I know each has already established  respective place in her being. I do not even know whether there is still a remaining space for me to fit in to join the competition.  For she exhibits a mindset  and value system which  is well entrenched that I find it difficult to infiltrate. She is more particular with what  people think than what she wants or wishes to do , as expected in a married woman.  She appears to sacrifice self interest or friendship just to keep up with the demands of norm and tradition. So much so that even our personal talk has been very limited lest we disabuse people’s  mind.

 

Oh how I wish  I can read your mind,  dear mysterious lady,  in order for me  to know my  ranking in the traffic competition within your heart and mind . But I can’t. However, I seem to feel the beatings of your heart. Although its sound is not so  audible  which  refrains me from assuming that I am fortunate enough to be responsible for  any of those heartbeats.

I almost seized your elusiveness

Yesterday was such a wonderful day. Finally, I almost seized  your elusiveness.  But easily you untangled yourself to the impending  snares .  I have prepared some questions to  pin you down but you did not take the bait. Instead you mesmerized me with your story that I seemed to forget my propositions.

Taken from: my.opera.com

Still, the moments we shared are worth cherishing. The euphoria has not subsided yet in me. Such rare opportunity to engage you in a personal encounter longer than usual was a dream come true. While you might have been amused with my shallow happiness, its impact is deep. For  I understood your predicament at that time,yea your dilemma. Yet you managed to give in to my  request while holding on to your conviction and tradition.

I might not have gotten what I wanted, but you have given me my needs. While you unveiled  a portion of yourself, you maintained the aura of mystery. You have fulfilled your promise without  compromising your principle. Our talk has been spontaneous but it covered other necessary areas unplanned for.

By showing me such kind of kindness, I have learned to respect you the  more. You  just  don’t know how I thank the Divine for sending  you to me with the corresponding inspiration  you bring. I hope someday, I can return the favor to  be of help to you sometime, somehow, somewhere, even beyond the blue horizon. Indeed, you are my guardian angel, the rainbow of my life.