I was wrong

I thought our relationship would always become happy, healthy and wholesome.

But I was wrong…

when you called my attention  about your feeling of  uneasiness   in some of my allusions… While  I  became illusive and defensive to the extent of  asking  you to specify, I knew in my heart you were right to feel that way. For I have also become uncomfortable in  realizing  that I have started to entertain seriously the feeling that has been developing within me towards you.

I thought I could  handle the vulnerable situation in trying to establish a relationship that paves the way for us to regularly communicate and be closer to one another. With all the previous love relations that I have, I thought  I am mature enough  to manage my feelings, take control of my vulnerabilities and never be deceived by my illusions .

But I was wrong …

when I realized you have already captivated my heart and  I have a nil  chance for a narrow escape from  reality. Worse, I do not even have the intention to escape.

I thought I would never feel this way again after my marriage. Family life has changed my mindset and affections. Romanticism and infatuation, typical of youth and unattached were superseded by  realistic outlook in life with sense of responsibility and accountability including sacrifices of self interest and aspiration.

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But I was wrong

Admittedly,  in most instances  the romantic innuendos  I allude to in the form of jokes  are   really meant for you to know my feeling.  When I say, I love you, I care for you, I dream of you, I really mean them.  When I kid you that you are just trying to resist  your  falling in love with me, at the back of my mind, there is such a  wish. I always justify those to be part of our jokes because I am afraid the moment you know my real feelings, you’ll put an end to our friendship and perhaps try to avoid me or totally evade  any attempt to strengthen our growing friendship . Yes, deep within me  is the fear of losing you, although I know we are no longer free.

I was wrong to underestimate the power of love.