I blog because I am almost in tears. I don’t know why this kind of longings have suddenly beset me. I can remember only few instances when I had such sense of loneliness, in varying degree.
First, was after a successful mission and our team was disintegrated after a couple of months of togetherness and we went back to our respective hometown. The feeling was so intense that I decided to go back to school even before class started to look for my team members. Only to learn from them that the feeling had been mutual.
Second, during the early stage of love affair of a sweetheart whom I married years later which became the more intensified after that knot every time one was away from each other’s presence due to the call of service. Still, the feeling had been mutual.
Thirdly, the longings for my kids when they were still young and I had to be away for meetings or conferences in other regions requiring an overnight stay. Still, such feeling had been mutual.
Finally, during the most critical period in my life when I felt even God had forsaken me, if not left me alone in the dark. So intense that despite the care of family and friends, there were moments I found myself, alone in the struggle.
However, after surviving such test, I feel some kind of invincibility , overcoming any other crises in almost all aspects of life. Nothing bothers me, anymore. Not even a problem, concern or need whose existence are not negligible. While they affect you when they come, the effect is just temporary as the thought that everything will soon come to pass casts their sting away.
I find myself immune to the absence of my loved ones, as well as loved “once” as I consider such a part of the norm or routine. I have reached the point in my life that I have given each one of them respective liberty to find meaning in their life apart from me. I have become overly realistic, yea pragmatic that I totally believe Khalil Gibran’s poetic assertion:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
And now this kind of feeling towards you when we do not have a deeper relation apart from friendship which you always insist and I concede. There is even a nil chance for us to personally talk with each other longer due to the demands of work, coupled with your own reservation. It was only our regular text messages that connect our relationship. And now, you deprived me of such happiness, without reasonable ground. Worse, I do not even know whether the feeling is mutual.
Why? What is in you that makes me feel this way? And how could you to do this to me? Do you think I deserve it?
PS. This is no longer exaggerated
(To be continued)