In the previous post, I asked what is in you that caused this strange yet true feeling in me? I guess I found some answers.
Your charms, wits, charisma might have come at a time when I was unconsciously longing for such. Once I was blessed to meet a person with similar traits. In fact, I was so fascinated that I wooed her and succeeded to seal our covenant to have each other in sickness and in health, till death do us part. Death almost take its role but failed. Yet the love for service deprived me of her. She has now served as inspiration to others who feel blessed by her voluntary engagement in service.
And who am I to curtail their privilege? How can I deprive her of right to actualize self, as Maslow conceived it to be, apart from me? Am I not the one who exhibited such passion in service which contaminated her? Aren’t the circumstances leading to where she is now my own doings? It was my initiatives and commitment that forced her to take the cudgel for me because of my multiple tasks. Throughout our relationship, she has internalized the value of service including the risks inherent on it. She has been aware of my past commitments, and even had the foretaste of the risks involved in the name of service.
I will never forget her response when I became over protective and tried to remind her of the risks and the consequences of her devotion, especially because she is a woman. She asked, in return:
“Don’t you know the extent of my worries and fears when you involved yourself to any of the causes you have been in? But I tried to understand you because I believe in your cause. But why stop me now? Can’t I take same risks? Am I not worthy of the cause?“
I felt humiliated and forever hold my peace. For indeed who am I to deprive her, or any one else, of the opportunity to serve the people or do the will of God according to how they hear and respond to the still small voice?
Since then I included my wife to Khalil Gibran’s poetic assertion that
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
I conditioned myself to remain unaffected by missing and yearning for my loved ones. I might have become stoic and falsely take pride on my seeming invincibility after surviving the most critical and crucial encounter with the harsh but endearing realities of life and death. I might have forgotten my vulnerable humanity or keep it locked up inside the “mind over body” framework.
And then you came, unaware of most intimate things in my life and freely engaged me in a fresh relationship, uncontaminated, unadulterated by my past. Unconsciously, nay unintentionally, you might have found the key that unlock my suppressed emotions. Like the opened dam, all of my humanity found expressions and relief in your friendship.
What more?You have impressed me by accepting me just as I am without any reservation on what and where I had been.You made me feel at ease and comfortable in our friendship. This will be the next subject of my succeeding posts.
(More answers on next posts)