Resolving ambivalence

Dearly beloved,

While we do not have the opportunity to know each other more personally, by your choice, yet I can sense if something is wrong, by your actuation through text messages. This is the only medium I can use to know you more by observing the pattern or reading between lines of your reply.

And recently, with the way you text or the absence of it, I can only assume you have already read my latest post on “not letting go…“For I cannot remember any offense I made to merit your snub. I was expecting, you would like the post. But it appeared you got offended again with my honesty or frankness in expressing my feelings. Whether this assumption is right or wrong, it triggers the fulfillment of my long time plan to personally write you to clarify matters once and for all. Although my blog is reflective of my feelings, at times, there are elements of exaggeration.

I could have used my own email address to make this letter more personal and realistic. But I want to free ourselves from further complications. As you read, just think this is mine and I mean it. That’s why instead of posting this on blog, I decided to sent it directly to you.

Let me first explain why I took the liberty to express my true feelings on the recent post. Although what I revealed is not totally new.That is, because it is the only outlet of my suppressed emotion. I cannot find other means to tell you what I feel which is acceptable for us aside from the blog. If you could recall, we made previous agreement that the blog is exempted from any prohibition/restriction which you want to impose to maintain the clean and wholesome relationship. And I religiously adhere to our agreements particularly in sending text messages which was always the cause of friction.

While I understand your dilemma in handling the situation, I also feel the same. Am treading on unfamiliar terrain in life’s experiences. Similar previous ones were intentional, deliberate, mutual, short- lived with romantic/sexual undertones. But this one is different. It is gradual and growing, without malice. I do not know how to completely describe it, other than to admit, it is difficult for me to handle, at the moment. Because, I never intend this to be. I did not seek for it. It just came naturally, unexpected, unplanned, unprogrammed. Quite strange yet true. Worse, I welcome it, although I know it will lead to nowhere. As quoted on my blog: “I enjoy living my humanity and exposing my vulnerability, without fear or shame, in loving you.

Why? Because I feel safe and secured in you. Knowing you, I am certain, we can maintain a clean and wholesome friendship, nothing more. I have high respect on your conservative ways, values and mindset. I know you will never allow our relationship to go beyond the limits. Neither am I incline to push my own way.

So this letter is an affirmation of my commitment to maintain our friendship and nothing more. Likewise, an assurance that I am mature enough to keep my professional self, always conscious of my responsibility and accountability as your mentor until you finish the course.

I will no longer burden you with my text messages, apart from usual greetings and show of concern from a friend. Just allow me to love you through the blog and find freedom in expressing what is inside me without fear and reservation. And let such feelings, freedom and even fantasies end there.

____________________

Letter sent to the woman who has inspired me to create this blog and changed my view on love. Written  and emailed to  her on December 21, 2013, I am not sure whether she has read the message, as we have not seen each  other yet after the Yuletide break. But I texted her the summary of the content on Christmas eve which she liked by the way she replied. With such inspiration,  I subsequently posted a Christmas blog.

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Treading on unfamiliar terrain

I have never been into this  ambivalence, before. Nay, a  dilemma,  a mess. The feeling may be familiar but the condition is very different. True, I have been into not a few relationships. However, similar previous ones were intentional, deliberate, mutual, short- lived with romantic/sexual undertones. Not this recent one. It is gradual and growing, seemingly without malice. For you are too kind and wholesome to become the object of my sexual fantasy.

I do not know how to completely describe it, other than to admit, it is difficult for me to handle, at the moment. Because, I never intend this to be. I did not seek for it. It just came naturally, unexpected, unplanned, unprogrammed. Quite strange yet true. Worse, I welcome it, although I know it will lead to nowhere. As quoted on my previous post: “I enjoy living my humanity and exposing my vulnerability, without fear or shame, in loving you.” I think I am treading on unfamiliar terrain in life’s experiences.

Sometimes, it’s funny to think that at my age and status in life, I still entertain this kind of infatuation typical of youth. Quite ironic that I allow myself to dream the impossible dream, engage in chasing the wind, and dare to catch the unreachable stars.

Looking back , I seem to find the connecting dots . I tend to tread unfamiliar terrains. Yea, going against the tide or odds. Since childhood, I always make it a point to play mud in the rain, dip my legs in canal, potholes, and floodwater. I love to take off my sandals so that my feet can touch the dirt of the ground. Much more, when I become professional, I find soiling my hands, either by doing backyard chores, carpentry, vehicle washing and repair, a productive stress – relief mechanism or diversion.

When I joined the ranks of activists and revolutionaries, I try to defy the cruelty and threat of dictatorship and even death. With my current status, I still make it a point to take an off road ride, leaving the comfort of the office, testing my reflexes and taking the risks of treading an unfamiliar terrain.

Likewise, I am fond of being on the side of the underdogs. Oh, how I love to defend even a losing cause. For I  believe that nothing is impossible in a world full of surprises and antipodes. A world full of harsh yet endearing realities. Thus, insisting on the right to love in a wrong time and circumstance is an attempt to defy the odds. Investing in love without expecting a return is like treading on the unfamiliar terrain.

Taken from: hawaiichappaltrail.blogspot.com

Taken from: hawaiichappaltrail.blogspot.com