Confusing signals

We could have met yesterday after the semestral break. I was quite excited to see you again face-to-face. More so, when earlier you insinuated that I could treat you to a lunch for your belated birthday celebration. Although, admittedly I was in a dilemma because of a lunch meeting scheduled later to finalize coordinated relief operation and medical mission to isolated island areas ravaged by Typhoon Yolanda. I have committed our organization to do the ground work and assist in the actual operation. But I have resolved the issue by proposing to bring you to the meeting as you are in the position to guide us because of your past experiences including your current work. Thereafter, we would have all the time to talk and celebrate.

Yet , few hours before the schedule, you texted me you could not come because of some important matters. While I felt bad about it, I tried to understand your priority and console myself that perhaps the situation turned out to be favorable so that our group could concentrate on our mission. For a while, I forgot about you and focus on the preparation. Until you texted me late in the afternoon kidding me whether my day was complete without your presence. Of course, I replied with my signature sarcastic joke – ridiculing you for asking things you already know and daring to laugh at my misfortune, clinching such with sigh for my predicament. You did not reply. So, I made a follow up to prick your conscience informing you about my commendable initiative just to materialize our date. But you kept mum. Attempting to ease the tension, I reminded you that I was the aggrieved party, hence, you have no reason to feel offended. Still, you maintained your silence which confused me – either you did not get the joke, or so guilt-ridden, or just insensitive to the feelings of others?

I was then reminded of your confession during one of our last conversations before the break. When I commended you for your sense of maturity compared to your age. In fact, this is one thing I admire in you. Yea, the thing that attracts me. We can easily level off intellectually. While agreeing with me, you made mention about your seeming immaturity in relationship. I did not pursue the issue for I refused to believe you, having been impressed by your personality and attitude towards life. But now, I got confused with the signals.  Inevitably, a picture of an outgoing girl, charming and witty, outsmarting many – me  included, in some instances. Yet, keep her distance and retreat to her comfort zone when the goings get tough and rough.

A contrasting level of IQ and EQ? Are you trying to reveal yourself to me, now? Or the circumstances have started to unveil your vulnerability? Like what the after effect of Typhoon Yolanda has been doing in our country- exposing the vulnerabilities of our leaders and politicians  as they handle the crises.

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Let your tears flow

I yield this space to the endearing poem of netizen Arlyn Liling Tagakapis posted on social media. She wrote this poem in solidarity with all the people in the Philippines who face harsh realities and  must re-build their dreams around the “catastrophic damage” left by the strongest ever tropical cyclone (dubbed in the country as Yolanda, internationally known as Haiyan) that made a series of landfall in the Island.

Let your tears flow,
Why be ashamed of them?
They are not signs of weaknesses, but power;
Allow that salty water to stream down your cheek.
Stick out your tongue and lick that bitter taste of salt that fell into your lips.
It’s the mark of your oneness with the oceans and seas.

Let your tears flow,
Why do you have to wipe them off with paper or cloth?
Allow the wind and the sun to dry your face;
The storm is not your enemy.
They must exist to keep the planet earth alive.
Let all the elements of the earth to work with you as you re-build your lives – restoring your hopes and dreams with your loved ones.

Let your tears flow,
Why so anxious of having a “clean” face?
Let tears collect into your palm and draw stain at the cloth that covers your body;
Then, open your arms and fly; and plunge into the water.
The rivers must know of your own story, loud and clear.

Let your tears flow,
Why be afraid of your vulnerabilities?
They tell you that you are human; embrace your pain and perplexities; they are holy:
Your tears of uncertainty remind you that you belong to a family, relatives, friends, and neighbors and the world.

Let your tears flow,
Why hide them with a smile?
Do you know that mermaids don’t cry and so the most unhappy specie on earth?
Have you had a chance to see mermaid? I hadn’t either.
And we fret over so many things we don’t know about?
Take things one at a time… moment by moment.

Let your tears flow,
Why fear to be blinded by tears?
Your tears are rain upon the blinding dust of the earth that hardens your soul.
As tears cover the eyes, it uncovers the heart.
And, in this blindness, prepares the way for a different kind of seeing: sight through the “eyes of faith.”

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I was wrong

I thought our relationship would always become happy, healthy and wholesome.

But I was wrong…

when you called my attention  about your feeling of  uneasiness   in some of my allusions… While  I  became illusive and defensive to the extent of  asking  you to specify, I knew in my heart you were right to feel that way. For I have also become uncomfortable in  realizing  that I have started to entertain seriously the feeling that has been developing within me towards you.

I thought I could  handle the vulnerable situation in trying to establish a relationship that paves the way for us to regularly communicate and be closer to one another. With all the previous love relations that I have, I thought  I am mature enough  to manage my feelings, take control of my vulnerabilities and never be deceived by my illusions .

But I was wrong …

when I realized you have already captivated my heart and  I have a nil  chance for a narrow escape from  reality. Worse, I do not even have the intention to escape.

I thought I would never feel this way again after my marriage. Family life has changed my mindset and affections. Romanticism and infatuation, typical of youth and unattached were superseded by  realistic outlook in life with sense of responsibility and accountability including sacrifices of self interest and aspiration.

Photo Credit: http://www.inc.com

But I was wrong

Admittedly,  in most instances  the romantic innuendos  I allude to in the form of jokes  are   really meant for you to know my feeling.  When I say, I love you, I care for you, I dream of you, I really mean them.  When I kid you that you are just trying to resist  your  falling in love with me, at the back of my mind, there is such a  wish. I always justify those to be part of our jokes because I am afraid the moment you know my real feelings, you’ll put an end to our friendship and perhaps try to avoid me or totally evade  any attempt to strengthen our growing friendship . Yes, deep within me  is the fear of losing you, although I know we are no longer free.

I was wrong to underestimate the power of love.