Defining the state of ambivalence

The long weekend due to All Saints Day  became longer because of the absence of communication between us. While I made some attempts, the thought that you have reserved those moments for your family restrained me. For I did not want to spoil your precious time with them. Neither did I wish to compete for your attention. For knowing your value system, I knew I would be in the losing end. Left with no other choice, I looked for an alternate way to avert my anticipated missing and longings for you within the period.

Knowing pretty well that your picture would always play prominently in my mind, no matter how I try to evade, I decided to confront the harsh but endearing realities. I spent the time thinking about you and our relationship. Indeed, the long weekend turned out to be a time to define the state of ambivalence.

Image credit: http://www.dreamstime.com

For so long, I have observed and experienced some kind of ambivalence as I relate myself with you. In my earlier post, I claimed to have been disturbed by your confusing signals which made me think you just wanted to suppress your feelings. The way I pushed the issue got your ire, yet you still managed to handle such rage with grace. And for that experience you earned more of my high esteem and respect. While I continue to observe such kind of ambivalence in you, I keep it to myself since then. 

There are lots of ambivalence in me, too, every time I feel you are near yet so far. To borrow some poetic quotes, You appear like a radiant star, first so near then again so far. Like a rainbow, you come, after the storm. But much as I wish to behold your luster longer, it suddenly disappears. And when I feel almost down, you give me hope to carry on. There are times when I almost seized your elusiveness, yet allow you to entangle yourself. 

Have I not told you that I love challenges and feel agitated with one’s elusiveness? Yes, I like to chase even the unreachable star. For I am fond of being on the side of the underdogs. Oh, how I love to defend even a losing cause. One won’t lose anything, anyway, if he fails but earn everything when he succeeds in letting the lost cause wins. This is one cause of my ambivalence. Much as I want you to continue being elusive, so that I can chase you, I am afraid, I might catch you and subsequently lost the interest in pursuing  you further.  For I always want you to be beyond my reach so as not to  lose  your mystery.

Can you not remember my first ever post? When I become realistic in assessing our budding friendship. There was no illusion in me to seriously court you as we are no longer free to engage in such relationship. Neither is there any wild thought to dream that fate will eventually catch us together in most unlikely course of events or circumstances.

Yet, I don’t know why I continue to entertain the thought that nothing is impossible in a world full of surprises and antipodes. A world full of harsh yet endearing realities. There was even one post when I admitted I was wrong to underestimate the power of love.
(To be continued)

Inspiring development

The unprecedented  wave  of this blog continues. In less than  a month  after I posted its Alexa rank, the rate has further improved, as well as the blog stats.  From 878,269  to 549,611 globally with 2,875 traffic rank in the Philippines. Alexa checks traffic on website. It  reveals  how  well your website or blog fare against others in the traffic competition.  So far, this is the highest  rank attained by any of my blogs. Surprisingly,  the  newest blog – one which I never intended to create. Neither did it occur even in my wildest dream to discuss love, relationship, and romance. Much more to expose myself to throngs of  netizens on web. I just can’t imagine how awkward it would be when my identity is revealed someday.  For I, long, have resigned or should I say retired from  this stage of  infatuation.

Not until  this mysterious lady rekindled my passion and  inspired me to create this blog. I was even amused on  how I came up with the title. I consider her mysterious because she puzzles me no end. She sustains her  ambivalence. Oftentimes, so near yet so far. Just when I was about to seize her elusiveness, she easily untangles herself from the trap. At times, I consider her no longer mortal and call her an angel to her delight, I presume, for that would keep her safe from my wooing.

While Alexa’s  accuracy has been contested by critics, I won’t join the fray . Suffice it for me to witness and enjoy how the rankings of my blogs improve, as I  keep the challenge to myself and make my own blogs compete  among themselves. That’s how shallow my happiness is.

But what makes this inspiring development more significant is its contagious effect to my other blogs. Many of them have dramatically improved their rankings. In fact, two blogs have also broken  the 1,000,000 ceiling I set for my blogs. Even my blog on spirituality has soared to heights.  All because of the inspiration and challenge brought about  by  the endearing realities to my other blogs which compel me to update some of them.

Oh how I wish that this inspiring development  will be replicated in my relationship with this mysterious lady. I wish my ranking will dramatically improve as I compete with persons, places, tasks, thoughts and emotions creating traffic daily in her mind and heart. For I know each has already established  respective place in her being. I do not even know whether there is still a remaining space for me to fit in to join the competition.  For she exhibits a mindset  and value system which  is well entrenched that I find it difficult to infiltrate. She is more particular with what  people think than what she wants or wishes to do , as expected in a married woman.  She appears to sacrifice self interest or friendship just to keep up with the demands of norm and tradition. So much so that even our personal talk has been very limited lest we disabuse people’s  mind.

Taken from http://www.layoutsparks.com

 

Oh how I wish  I can read your mind,  dear mysterious lady,  in order for me  to know my  ranking in the traffic competition within your heart and mind . But I can’t. However, I seem to feel the beatings of your heart. Although its sound is not so  audible  which  refrains me from assuming that I am fortunate enough to be responsible for  any of those heartbeats.

I almost seized your elusiveness

Yesterday was such a wonderful day. Finally, I almost seized  your elusiveness.  But easily you untangled yourself to the impending  snares .  I have prepared some questions to  pin you down but you did not take the bait. Instead you mesmerized me with your story that I seemed to forget my propositions.

Taken from: my.opera.com

Still, the moments we shared are worth cherishing. The euphoria has not subsided yet in me. Such rare opportunity to engage you in a personal encounter longer than usual was a dream come true. While you might have been amused with my shallow happiness, its impact is deep. For  I understood your predicament at that time,yea your dilemma. Yet you managed to give in to my  request while holding on to your conviction and tradition.

I might not have gotten what I wanted, but you have given me my needs. While you unveiled  a portion of yourself, you maintained the aura of mystery. You have fulfilled your promise without  compromising your principle. Our talk has been spontaneous but it covered other necessary areas unplanned for.

By showing me such kind of kindness, I have learned to respect you the  more. You  just  don’t know how I thank the Divine for sending  you to me with the corresponding inspiration  you bring. I hope someday, I can return the favor to  be of help to you sometime, somehow, somewhere, even beyond the blue horizon. Indeed, you are my guardian angel, the rainbow of my life.