I have never been into this ambivalence, before. Nay, a dilemma, a mess. The feeling may be familiar but the condition is very different. True, I have been into not a few relationships. However, similar previous ones were intentional, deliberate, mutual, short- lived with romantic/sexual undertones. Not this recent one. It is gradual and growing, seemingly without malice. For you are too kind and wholesome to become the object of my sexual fantasy.
I do not know how to completely describe it, other than to admit, it is difficult for me to handle, at the moment. Because, I never intend this to be. I did not seek for it. It just came naturally, unexpected, unplanned, unprogrammed. Quite strange yet true. Worse, I welcome it, although I know it will lead to nowhere. As quoted on my previous post: “I enjoy living my humanity and exposing my vulnerability, without fear or shame, in loving you.” I think I am treading on unfamiliar terrain in life’s experiences.
Sometimes, it’s funny to think that at my age and status in life, I still entertain this kind of infatuation typical of youth. Quite ironic that I allow myself to dream the impossible dream, engage in chasing the wind, and dare to catch the unreachable stars.
Looking back , I seem to find the connecting dots . I tend to tread unfamiliar terrains. Yea, going against the tide or odds. Since childhood, I always make it a point to play mud in the rain, dip my legs in canal, potholes, and floodwater. I love to take off my sandals so that my feet can touch the dirt of the ground. Much more, when I become professional, I find soiling my hands, either by doing backyard chores, carpentry, vehicle washing and repair, a productive stress – relief mechanism or diversion.
When I joined the ranks of activists and revolutionaries, I try to defy the cruelty and threat of dictatorship and even death. With my current status, I still make it a point to take an off road ride, leaving the comfort of the office, testing my reflexes and taking the risks of treading an unfamiliar terrain.
Likewise, I am fond of being on the side of the underdogs. Oh, how I love to defend even a losing cause. For I believe that nothing is impossible in a world full of surprises and antipodes. A world full of harsh yet endearing realities. Thus, insisting on the right to love in a wrong time and circumstance is an attempt to defy the odds. Investing in love without expecting a return is like treading on the unfamiliar terrain.