Treading on unfamiliar terrain

I have never been into this  ambivalence, before. Nay, a  dilemma,  a mess. The feeling may be familiar but the condition is very different. True, I have been into not a few relationships. However, similar previous ones were intentional, deliberate, mutual, short- lived with romantic/sexual undertones. Not this recent one. It is gradual and growing, seemingly without malice. For you are too kind and wholesome to become the object of my sexual fantasy.

I do not know how to completely describe it, other than to admit, it is difficult for me to handle, at the moment. Because, I never intend this to be. I did not seek for it. It just came naturally, unexpected, unplanned, unprogrammed. Quite strange yet true. Worse, I welcome it, although I know it will lead to nowhere. As quoted on my previous post: “I enjoy living my humanity and exposing my vulnerability, without fear or shame, in loving you.” I think I am treading on unfamiliar terrain in life’s experiences.

Sometimes, it’s funny to think that at my age and status in life, I still entertain this kind of infatuation typical of youth. Quite ironic that I allow myself to dream the impossible dream, engage in chasing the wind, and dare to catch the unreachable stars.

Looking back , I seem to find the connecting dots . I tend to tread unfamiliar terrains. Yea, going against the tide or odds. Since childhood, I always make it a point to play mud in the rain, dip my legs in canal, potholes, and floodwater. I love to take off my sandals so that my feet can touch the dirt of the ground. Much more, when I become professional, I find soiling my hands, either by doing backyard chores, carpentry, vehicle washing and repair, a productive stress – relief mechanism or diversion.

When I joined the ranks of activists and revolutionaries, I try to defy the cruelty and threat of dictatorship and even death. With my current status, I still make it a point to take an off road ride, leaving the comfort of the office, testing my reflexes and taking the risks of treading an unfamiliar terrain.

Likewise, I am fond of being on the side of the underdogs. Oh, how I love to defend even a losing cause. For I  believe that nothing is impossible in a world full of surprises and antipodes. A world full of harsh yet endearing realities. Thus, insisting on the right to love in a wrong time and circumstance is an attempt to defy the odds. Investing in love without expecting a return is like treading on the unfamiliar terrain.

Taken from: hawaiichappaltrail.blogspot.com

Taken from: hawaiichappaltrail.blogspot.com

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Clean and wholesome relationship

Repeated more than once, you have clearly conveyed your message in a wholesome way. That is what you want – a clean and wholesome friendship. This is another thing I like in you. I knew you were really  mad, at that time, nay irritated  with the way I pushed the issue despite your resistance. But you still expressed your annoyance in a wholesome manner. Distance was not enough to  cover the penetrating message coming from the depth of your heart. I read it clearly, hear it audibly. Its arrow has pierced my heart.  I felt convicted. I realized my wrong. I have overstepped the bounds, exceeded the  limits.  I have offended your decency.

Humbly did I admit my mistakes, my sins, my trespasses, my iniquities. Like a tamed rascal, who had learned lessons in a painful way,  I suddenly became meek for the sake of our friendship. I have learned to value it  because  I don’t want to lose you. I know I can sacrifice my personal interest in the name of clean and wholesome friendship.  Although I believe,  and always will, that  my failings are forgivable, not grave, not mortal for  how could you hold grudge to  a person  whose only mistake is his honesty to express admiration and love? I even feel aggrieved, yea, suppressed for the holy book assures us that “there is no fear in love. But perfect love casts out fear. ” Yet I know that in this kind of society such as ours  where there is a double standard of morality,  women are the most vulnerable to issues or intrigues on  relationship whether true or not. Hence, the over consciousness or emphasis on clear and wholesome relationship.

However,  I have been disturbed by  confusing signals. They are not unnoticeable.  Seemingly,  there is an ambiguity on the root  cause of your resistance, anger  or irritation. Is it because you were betrayed, violated, abused, scandalized? Did I appear uncourteous, disrespectful, lewd ? Have I made obscene advances, appear playful, bohemian, easy- go- lucky, casanova?  I don’t feel guilty of the charges. While I was brutally honest with my feelings, I did not become abusive.  Neither I was rude. Forgive me, but the thought  that you just want to suppress your feelings,  from time to time, surfaces in my mind.  Baseless,  it may be, the possibility that this triggers your resistance  is not always remote.

Photo Credit: http://www.nypost.com

Besides, I don’t always feel comfortable in a clean and wholesome atmosphere. Since childhood,  I always make it a point  to play mud in the rain, dip my legs  in canal, potholes, and floodwater.  I love to  take off my sandals so that my feet can touch the dirt of the ground. For how can I get rid of my roots – home of  flooded rice paddies with endearing sights to behold. Mixed with blood,  sweat and tears of those who till the land and tirelessly toil, they comprise the endearing realities in countrysides. For from those dirty hands, we find the  supply of food for our land.   Much more, when I become professional, I find soiling my hands, either by doing  backyard chores,  carpentry, vehicle  washing and repair,  a productive stress – relief    mechanism or diversion.

Similarly, in most instances, clean and wholesome do not always go together. Many times, I find myself in unpleasant situation despite my clean intention or motive. When I joined the ranks of activists and revolutionaries, my direction was clear, intention clean and noble, motives pure  but people diluted, nay polluted,  my involvement with their bias, prejudice. I would even say cowardice, if not  justification, to their apathy, negligence and sins of omission. Oh how the standards of our society controlled by chosen few have adulterated even the noblest intention or the spirit and essence of those twin words.

Despite all my reservations and arguments, however, no matter how unconvinced, I willingly submit to your wish and expectations. After all, they are worthwhile. They are not bad. Neither are they burdensome, nor detrimental to health and relationship .  Better still, do I have a choice?  I value you and our friendship. Whatever  sustain our relationship, I consider them part of the endearing realities in life.  Yes, let’s maintain a clean and wholesome friendship. All  because  I love you, dear friend.